Born Naked

RuPaul likes to say we’re all born naked–everything else is just drag, and she isn’t wrong here.

Everything we wear is a form of drag. We always try to dress properly for whatever occasion, but yes–there’s work drag and formal drag and casual drag and gym drag and sports drag and around-the-house drag and pretty much any way you want to look at clothing…it’s all kind of a costume, really. And those costumes also depend on the time period.

I used to always think that I had no fashion sense–straight women and other gay men have often been astounded at how little I care about clothes or fashion or style. I have slight color-blindness, too–it’s hard for me to differentiate between darker shades; the darkest shades of blue and purple and brown and gray and green all look black to me. I also have some difficulty determining whether colors actually go together or not–which is why when it comes to formal/dressier clothing I tend to stick to black, white and red; I have so many red dress shirts, Constant Reader, you have no idea–so as I got older, I tend to go with what is easiest and less anxiety-inducing for me.

Of course, I also worked at an airport and had to wear a uniform for over two years: airline work drag. And after years of being a personal trainer, where all I wore was workout clothes or sweats, so yeah–my fashion sense has always been untrained and severely lacking for the most part.

Louis XIV, the Sun King–but those tights! That wig! Those shoes! More like La Reine Soleil, am I right?

I also always used to deplore the fact that men’s clothes gradually became so incredibly boring from the heydays of Beau Brummel-type male fashion icons. Look at the above painting of Louis XIV. Now imagine a man wearing that outfit to an awards show or a film premiere. Even our own Founding Fathers wore tights, powder, wigs, and heeled shoes.

But somehow, those clothing items became feminized and gender swapped–of course, women in the past also wore heeled shoes, wigs, powder and tights beneath their skirts and bustles and hoops. But even in the 1930’s and 1940’s, men’s clothes were far more stylish–trench-coats and linen pants, fedoras and other hats, spats and Oxford shoes, argyle socks. I hated the “traditional” styles of dress for men that developed in the post-war period. and the utter rejection of those same styles in the 60s and 70s. Men’s clothing began to evolve a bit more during this period–and some serious fashion faux-pas were prevalent during the last decades of the century.

As I said the other day (and as so many others have pointed out), men have always dressed as women for one reason or another that had nothing to do with gender expression or identity for years. The Sun King’s gay younger brother (he also had a gay bastard son by Louise de la Valliere; homosexuality was rampant at the Sun King’s court) Philippe duc d’Orleans (whose son was the namesake for New Orleans) had many male lovers and often dressed as a woman for appearances at court. I’ve always wanted to write about Philippe, who has always fascinated me–the young gay bastard son of Louis XIV, who died young, was Louis duc de Valentinois; I’ve also had some minor interest in writing about him as well, or just gay life at Versailles in general.

There is a long-standing drag tradition in New Orleans as well. The Red Dress Run, for example, may not be full drag as we know it, but it’s essentially all about men in red dresses for charity.

One of the things I really enjoy about the modern young generation is they don’t subscribe to the antiquated rules of fashion for men and women. I love seeing young actors and celebrities showing up at red carpet events in daring outfits instead of that tired old tux look. Yes, men look dashing in tuxedos; I’ve always wanted to go full tuxedo with hat, cane, tails and gloves–but again, not the ordinary or expected.

I wore a kilt twice when I went to the Edgars, and wore it again at Bouchercon in Albany for our Real Housewives of Bouchercon panel. I loved wearing it–skirts are sooooo much more comfortable than pants–and it was definitely a fashion risk; people who didn’t know me but saw me wearing it undoubtedly thought ah, that one must be gay. I love the way the Musketeers dressed in The Three Musketeers–I think the seventeenth century was probably my favorite era for men’s clothes; I also love a pirate look from the early eighteenth as well.

One thing I definitely need to explore more with Jem is not only his sense of fashion for his clients, but for himself–both in and out of drag. Those are critical decisions for a queen–because while a particular look or style for a queen can evolve over the years, it’s very unusual for them to do something radically different than their usual; again, it probably has to do with ease more than anything else; it’s much easier to fall back on a regular look and color palette than to reinvent yourself every time or to come up with something new every time. I do think I am going to have Jem do the Madonna constant reinvention thing–mainly because it’s more interesting that way for me–because it is part of who he is as a person; Jem thinks he’s boring but he’s actually quite adventurous. Jem has very little confidence in Death Drop, which is easy for me to write because I know how that feels. One of the goals of the series is to show him develop self-confidence and self-assurance and becoming more comfortable with himself, and part of that is going to come from performing in drag and another part from actually solving crimes…which makes him start believing in himself more.

And that is always fun to write–character growth and development.

Cherish

Give me faith, give me joy, my boy, I will always cherish you!

In case you didn’t notice, I am working my way through Madonna’s lengthy discography for my entry titles, and it’s actually kind of fun revisiting old Madonna music. She’s been a force in pop culture for nearly forty years now, which is a pretty amazing run when you think about it–not quite the Cher/Bette Midler mark yet, but still, pretty amazing. My first Madonna song (that I remember hearing, or taking notice of) was “Borderline,” and I bought that first album. And while I liked it a lot, I figured Madonna wasn’t going to be around for very long; artists who focused on dance music, especially white women, tended to not stick around the business for very long. But then came the Like a Virgin album (which is my least favorite of hers, in all honesty), and she turned into a phenomenon that wasn’t going away any time soon. “Cherish” I remember primarily because it was a light pop confection, nothing too deep but fun to listen to and bop along with, but the video, shot by Herb Ritts with all the hot mermen? (for the record, my two favorite Madonna albums as Like a Prayer and Ray of Light, neither of which should come as a big surprise)

Michael Denneny passed away over the weekend. I never had the occasion to meet him, but he was a hugely important figure in the development of queer art and literature back in the day, not the least for founding Christopher Street magazine. He was also important in the 1990’s, with his Stonewall Inn imprint at St. Martin’s, which eventually shuttered around the turn of the century. It’s possible I may have met him back in the days when I worked for Lambda; it’s very likely, in fact, but my memories have grown faded to sepia with time and there’s a lot I don’t remember from back then (it’s always mortifying when someone reminds me of us meeting back then and I don’t recall anything about it; there’s usually an amusing story that goes with it that makes it even more mortifying that I don’t remember). But hat’s off to you, Michael; you discovered and published a lot of authors who brought me hours of reading joy. Thank you for your life’s work.

I didn’t sleep well last night, which was something I was worried about happening. I woke up every hour or so, never really felt like I went in a deep sleep at all, and feel fried and tired today. Yay. But its okay, I can deal, and hopefully I’ll get a good night’s sleep tonight and feel great tomorrow. Heavy heaving sigh.

We finished season one of P-Valley and started season two–but weren’t too crazy about the second season. They are dealing with the pandemic, and I have to confess it never occurred to me what strippers would do during a pandemic; I did wonder, while watching, why none of them had an Onlyfans? Especially since one of them is attracting a large following on Instagram? Paul and I agreed to give the second season a second chance, but unless there’s a dramatic pick-up on the story, we’ll probably stop watching and may come back to it at another time. Which then begs the question what will we watch in the meantime? I have some things on my list, so maybe we can check out some of them tonight. And of course, if we don’t like something we can always stop watching it.

I did finish reading Margot Douaihy’s Scorched Grace yesterday, and it was quite a ride. The voice, the tone, the word choices and sentence structures…all of it unique and if not, then a fresh new way of doing something shopworn. Sister Holiday is a fascinating character with an equally fascinating back story; we glimpsed some of it in this first book (of three), and I like the idea of a hardboiled cozy with a lesbian chain-smoking nun as the main character. The book certainly subverts your expectations, and there’s a hypnotic quality to the writing, that pulls you in and makes you keep turning the page. I started marking pages that had sentences I really liked for when I do a post focusing on said book; I want to let the book sit in my head for a while before I devote an entire entry to it. It’s one of the best books I’ve read this year so far–and this year I’ve read some truly phenomenal books already and it’s only mid-April, with even more exciting books dropping throughout the course of the rest of this year.

And I really need to get more progress done on the book. The problem is not sleeping well during the week (see last night) and being too tired when I get home from work to do any more work on it. But tonight, after I get home from running errands on the way from work, I am hoping that I can start pulling some of the strings of the story without unraveling the entire thing. One can hope, at any rate, right?

And on that note I am heading into the spice mines. I thought about calling out for the day but would rather go in and gut it out. You have a great Monday, Constant Reader, and I’ll be back tomorrow morning.

Red Frame/White Light

AH, the first day of the week that doesn’t have a name–after Lundi Gras, Mardi Gras, and Ash Wednesday, just plain Thursday seems a bit on the dull side. Today is the last day before I return to work; and yes, I am working at home tomorrow, in case you were wondering–but I do have to run by the office at some point to pick up some more of my work at home work. I figure tomorrow morning I’ll get up, bang out my blog entry, and then work until I am caught up before taking this work back into the office and picking up more work. Yesterday was a stunningly beautiful day for running the errands I needed to get done–CVS, mail, making groceries–the high was in the eighties and it was sunny as fuck; the low being only 63. I continue to make my way out from the emotional devastation and move toward an uneasy and unwilling acceptance. The world keeps turning, after all, and much as I would love nothing more than the self-indulgence of wallowing in self-pity, I have things due and things to do and books to write and books to read and errands to run and a life to maintain. I need to get my life together and make plans. I need to get back into shape by taking exercise more regularly and I need to take better care of myself. A lot has happened in the world since everything around me turned upside down; things I ordinarily would have taken some kind of stance on or said something about–like all the nastiness about how Madonna looked at the Grammys, or the Palestine East train disaster, or Marjorie Traitor Green’s call for secession (because it worked out so well for the conservatives the last time they tried to leave the Union). In some ways it was kind of nice to have something that crowded out all the rest of the noise in the world; being caught up in my own stuff enabled me to dismiss Traitor Green’s idiocy as precisely what it was–her pathetic need for attention and validation from people equally stupid as she is and from the media because that’s what she is all about; attention and grifting. While there are criticisms that can be leveled at Madonna, trashing her appearance is reductive and misogynistic. I would have preferred Madonna to age gracefully and not have any work done, personally–what a message of solidarity about the misogyny of agism she could have sent by staying natural–but it’s her body, her face and her decision. She would be criticized for aging naturally (“MADONNA LETS HERSELF GO is what they would report, with lots of bold type and exclamation points) or for gaining weight (remember the breathless reporting about Elizabeth Taylor’s weight?); so why not let her do what she wants to do and what makes her feel good about herself? If you want to be horrified by how she looks, why not use that as a way to extrapolate out into a broader commentary about what our society and culture does to women in the public eye?

But that would require intelligence and work, and why do anything hard when it’s easier to get clicks by being shallow and horrible?

Yay for freedom of the press!

Anyway.

I allowed myself to sleep late again this morning–it’s kind of sad what I consider “sleeping late” these days–but it was another good night’s sleep, which I am grateful for. I did run errands yesterday, which was necessary, and then when I got home I started working on cleaning the apartment: laundry, dishes, etc. After awhile of that, I curled up for a few hours with Tara Laskowski’s marvelous One Night Gone, which I am greatly enjoying, and then I made dinner last night before watching a few more episodes of Class, which we should finish soon–since Outer Banks‘ third season is dropping tonight or tomorrow. Today is the last day of this bereavement leave, which I did need–there was simply no way I could have returned to work on Monday, seriously–and I am not even sure this coming Monday’s return to the office will be okay. But I can’t stay out forever, but I am also forcing myself to use this time to rest and relax. My toe is still throbbing a bit this morning, but I am going to rewrap it in a little while and of course it’s going to be elevated and iced and all that jazz. I do find that I am still short of temper and easily irritated; I seriously snapped at Paul yesterday which was completely unnecessary. I guess I am still dealing with it on some interior levels below the consciousness. It did occur to me yesterday that one thing I should do, or try to, is write a long essay about my mother. Not for publication, of course, or even for posting on here (the further we get away from the funeral, the more uncertain I am growing that I should have even brought it up here at all in the first place). That might help, I think.

And it might get me writing again. I do have that short story I need to be working on (although an alternative story occurred to me last night–one that would need some revisions, but could work; I just need to dig it out and reread it), and I do want go get all this filing done today before working tomorrow at home. I also need to investigate my dryer situation and see if it is, indeed, something I can potentially repair myself–it would be marvelous to not have to buy a new dryer–but that will require me to spend some time on researching it on-line, which I can do as long as I don’t bother getting sidetracked or distracted by some other shining object in the meantime. I think I am going to spend some more time reading my book this morning before moving on to filing and dishes. I also need to trim some books that I can take to the library sale this weekend, and of course, I need to start revising and editing the manuscripts.

Life goes on, the world keeps turning, and tax liabilities continue to accrue, so I am heading into the spice mines. May you have a marvelous Thursday, Constant Reader, and I will check in with you tomorrow.

I Don’t Know Why

Wednesday Pay-the-Bills Day has rolled around again, and my goodness, do I have a lot of bills to pay, YIKES. But with another six thousand word push yesterday, the draft is done. All I need to do now is pull it all together into one document, write the explanatory apologetic email about the mess and how I am going to fix it, and send it off and all is finished–for now. But I know it’s going to be a great book once I tie up all the threads, add in the back story and character development it needs, and I think it’s going to be super awesome when it’s done. Yay! I love creating, I really do, and I actually enjoy the writing.

Well, until I hear back from my editor, at any rate.

I finally started listening to Taylor Swift’s latest album, Midnights, and I have to say, I really like it. I’d always liked her–some of the songs I knew I liked, but I didn’t pay a lot of attention to her or her music. Spotify changed that, and I really have been impressed not only with the quality of her music but how different it all is; not to mention the evolution from teen country star to major world pop superstar. (“Red” is still my favorite song of hers, probably always will be.) I find that putting her albums on continual play on Spotify is really great when it comes to cleaning things or doing the dishes and things like that. (Back when I first started writing I always would put three Madonna CD’s in the CD changer and hit shuffle and would start writing. I should go back to that, really.) I had a lot of chores to get done last night around my writing–unloading the dishwasher and doing another load; cleaning the counters and organizing the office area, etc.–but I do like having those opportunities to take a break from the writing to clear my head and see what comes to me while my hands are focused on something mindless and music streams through my ear buds.

I really do like writing, y’all.

I still have a lot of work to do on the manuscripts I’ve written the last couple of months, but it’s nice to have workable, fixable drafts in place; that’s always the hardest part for me, and the ability to focus on the writing without having to worry about anything else outside of my job and whether the books are selling is kind of nice, actually. I think it’s part of the reason why I’m calmer every day, don’t get my anxiety going, and don’t get stressed. I was irritated when I got home Monday–because I knew I had writing to get done, and I had errands to run which seemed to take much longer than anything had any need to take (don’t even get me started on the hell making groceries has turned into since the pandemic started) but once I was home and had everything under control and could sit down and pound away at the keyboard for a while, after which I was finally completely and totally relaxed for the evening. And of course, last night after a very productive day at work in which I got all of my day job responsibilities finished and caught up (huzzah!), I came home and wrote while doing those odious seeming chores that I always wind up enjoying. And Paul didn’t come home until after I’d gone to bed, so there were no distractions for me, but I would have loved to have watched another episode of The Recruit. I don’t like it when Paul comes home that late because I don’t see him for that day (I leave long before he gets up in the morning; which is another reason I hate working these shifts; I like when Paul and I work basically the same schedule.

It’s going to be warm and rainy today, which means I’ll be wearing a sweatshirt to work underneath my Crescent Care T-shirt; it was freezing in the office yesterday; last week the heat was on, but the weather changed, and they finally turned on the air conditioning I guess on Friday (it had been insanely warm in the office all week) and so yesterday it felt like the frozen tundra of the great white north in the office, which of course meant I was pretty much miserable the entire day there. But I was productive and got all my work caught up; today of course is the first which means all kinds of things for me to do this morning; pulling logs and forms for the month, putting out new ones for the new month and so forth, and of course seeing my clients.

After talking about them negatively yesterday, I do feel I need to thank the Horror Writers’ Association, which quickly moved to ban the incredibly insulting member from all their events and kicked him out of the organization. I had mentioned that I had left the organization a while back because one I’m not really a horror writer, and second because I felt that the organization had a ways to go as far as being welcoming to the non-white non-straight part of the community–I had been made to not feel welcome when I actually chaired World Horror Con in New Orleans, and while I didn’t have quite the same experience when I went to Las Vegas…there were enough little things to make me decide that my money and time were better spent in the mystery community, and that’s what I’ve done. I returned in December for some reason or another–I think they sent me a really nice “we want you back” email–and to be honest, this whole mess over the last week or so kind of had me thinking I’d made the wrong decision in coming back. But the swift movement of the HWA board of trustees over this matter was heartening, and while I have no intention of volunteering for anything any time soon for anyone or anywhere, I do not regret my decision. (I am also remembering that the community is also cantankerous and there are all kinds of feuds and things–long-time long-held grudges and so forth, which isn’t fun to navigate in trying to remember who doesn’t like who and so on; I usually don’t care or pay attention to such things and generally remain neutral because I don’t know the people well enough to have an opinion one way or the other.)

And on that note, I am going to head into the spice mines. Have a lovely Wednesday Pay-the-Bills Day, Constant Reader, and I will check in with you again tomorrow morning.

Dub-vulture

Sunday morning and the end of the weekend looms, which means I need to get up at six for the next three mornings. Groan. These last two mornings I’ve been a lag-a-bed; which of course delays Scooter’s morning insulin shot–which means I need to be certain I give it to him at the correct time tonight because I can’t given it to him later tomorrow. It looks lovely outside this morning–which is nice, since I am going to go to the gym in a moment, after finishing this and cleaning the kitchen, so I can come home and work on the book all day. I didn’t get as much done yesterday as perhaps I would have liked–I did manage to get a working timeline for the events of the book in place, something I didn’t do for Bury Me in Shadows (and my editor requested it in the notes she gave me) and as I began doing it, I realized how fucked up the timeline for the book actually was. Over the course of numerous drafts, the time of the book changed–originally, I had the book set over Homecoming weekend (why not give into every cliché of writing about high school, right?) and then, at some point, I casually did some research about the Kansas high school football season and, much to my own horror, discovered that the regular season generally ends around Halloween–I’d forgotten that it has to end earlier so it doesn’t overlap with basketball season (which is the most important sport in Kansas–always has been, always will be) unless your team goes to the actual play-offs. Yesterday I had to verify when the school semester starts, and double-checked the football season again, which was important. I had left it as Homecoming weekend but had to move it earlier into the season…and then realized in a much later draft that the story doesn’t work with that much time passing between the pivotal points of the story and Homecoming….so I realized I had to move it to the first game of the season (which makes the most sense) but I was also still going by my vague memory that my birthday in late August was always right before school starts….assuming the start of the school year hadn’t changed over the last forty years, which it obviously has; school starts in early to mid-August now; the first game of the season is inevitably either the Frida before or after Labor Day, depending on when the holiday falls, and that of course changed everything about the current timeline in the book–which will now have to be changed. There’s another pivotal event of the story that happens over the summer, and I’d planned to use the county fair as the backdrop for it, so I looked up when the Lyon County Fair is…and it’s right before the start of school–late July/early August–which again fucked with my timeline of the story until I realized I don’t have to have the fair take place when the real one I am fictionalizing does; and it’s a perfect timeline now, really; it makes so much sense for the county fair to happen, my main character’s family vacation to follow that, and for him to come back in time for the start of football season but missing the big kick-off event for the community: the bonfire, which is the night the event that serves as a catalyst for the story occurs. It means tweaking the story even more–and I still have things to add to it–and I am probably going to have to rewrite almost everything from Chapter Seventeen on, but that’s okay. I now know how to end the story, which means I have a shit ton of writing and revising to get done in the next ten days or so (since the deadline falls on the Thursday before Easter weekend, with Friday as a paid holiday, I may go ahead and take that final weekend to make sure everything is okay with it before turning it in). I have to get Bury Me in Shadows fixed in April, and I have some short stories I want to work on that month as well for upcoming deadlines. So May will be most likely when I start working on Chlorine–which means June will be when I start writing the first draft of the next Scotty; if I am able to stay on this schedule. Please God, let me stay on schedule.

So anyway, I am very pleased with what I was able to get done yesterday. When I get home from the gym today and get cleaned up, I am going to settle into my easy chair with the laptop and with Fleetwood Mac blaring on the home stereo–I made a wonderful playlist on Spotify Friday, which I will likely expand upon this morning–primarily adding every Fleetwood Mac album in order, from Fleetwood Mac thru Say You Will, with probably some solo work from the band members mixed in as well. Fleetwood Mac has really been helping me get inspired to write this past week or so; I’m glad I’ve rediscovered how much I love their music again (I never forget, I just don’t think about listening to them as much as I used to–an enormous mistake I will never make again); likewise I find listening to Taylor Swift while I am writing enormously inspirational as well; not sure what that’s all about, but whatever it is, I’ll take it. Music has always been an important part of my writing process–I’ve always loved music, and wished I had some musical talent of any kind–but alas, that was not to be. I generally do listen to music–I can remember back when I was writing Murder in the Rue Dauphine I used to put three Madonna CD’s in the stereo and hit shuffle (The Immaculate Collection, Like a Prayer, and Ray of Light) while I was writing and then I would suddenly realize the music had stopped playing and I’d written a shit ton of words.

I never got around to reading The Russia House yesterday; maybe today I’ll be able to get some work done and spend some time with LeCarré. I did take eight boxes of books to the Latter Library to donate to their book sale, picked up my own mail, and then made groceries before coming home to put everything away and work on the book. I was tempted to watch the Snyder version of Justice League, but it’s four hour length is rather daunting; it’s definitely on queue for condom packing this week. We watched the SEC Gymnastics meet last night (LSU finished second, and just .125 out of first) and then the season finale of Servant, which remains as much a mystery as it was when we first started watching, but it’s done so well and it so fucking creepy and bizarre–the acting is also pinpoint sharp, and Lauren Ambrose certainly deserves at least an Emmy nomination for her complicated and crazy Dorothy Turner, for whom motherhood has proven both a tragedy on a Shakespearean level and an all consuming passion that drives her–and those who love her–down an insane path they never should have taken, and of course everything keeps spinning insanely out of control for everyone.

And of course there’s only one more weekend of me being a Festival widow, which I am really looking forward to. I miss Paul, and spending the evenings together watching our television programs and having dinner. Scooter misses having him around, too.

I did read a short story yesterday; from Nikki Dolson’s Love and Other Criminal Behavior, called “Georgie Ann.” It was marvelously delightful, dark and twisted and chilling; just what the doctor ordered:

Georgie Ann is dead. Her husband and all of our crowd around her coffin. They stand with their backs to use and their arms thrown over each other’s shoulders. We, the dutiful spouses, black suited and Prada heeled, sit waiting for our cue to cry.

The casket is open. We’ve all done our viewing and we agree she looks great for a dead woman her age. She is ten years our senior. Was.

One of us says what we’re all thinking, “How much hairspray do you think they used? Her hair never held curls like that.”

A very stark, nasty opening the sets the mood, tone and attitude of the story very much into place: Georgie Ann wasn’t a very nice person, and her “crowd” didn’t like her very much. Our narrator certainly didn’t, and as she remembers Georgie Ann’s sins and conduct to her and all of their friends, the reader also begins to dislike Georgie Ann…and wonder how she wound up dead. This story actually reminds me very strongly of Liane Moriarty’s works, or Celeste Ng’s Little Fires Everywhere, the little hurts and slights and tiny issues that grow into darker, bad things. “Georgie Ann” could very easily be one of those novels, exploring the complexities and competitions between a group of friends that turns into something darker, possibly criminal. Definitely looking forward to delving into this collection even further.

And on that note, tis time for me to start tidying up so I can head to the gym with a clear (relatively) conscious. Have a lovely Sunday, Constant Reader, and I will catch you the next time.

Vogue

I finally watched Strike a Pose,  the documentary which takes a look at where the dancers from Madonna’s “Blonde Ambition” tour wound up, and what happened to them. That tour was also documented in another documentary, Truth or Dare, which was also extremely controversial at the time of its release.

strike a pose

It was ironic, as I reflected on watching Strike a Pose and how it affected me; what it made me think, and what I wanted to say about it on here, that I checked Twitter and saw a tweet from one of my friends:

A gentle reminder that using “it’s so much better than it was” when queerfolk are talking about their daily life is a dick move, “allies.”

The Blond Ambition tour was in support of Madonna’s fourth album, Like a Prayer (which is one of my favorite albums of hers; I’ve never tired of the title song or the second single, “Express Yourself”), which was enormously controversial when it was released…of course, back then almost everything about Madonna was controversial. She’d signed a mega-million endorsement deal with Pepsi, which was also geared to promote the album. When the video for “Like a Prayer” was released, people got up in arms about it and Pepsi cancelled the endorsement deal–Madonna’s “Like a Prayer” Pepsi commercial never aired–which only got her more publicity. (In an aside, I’ve never understood the issues with the “Like a Prayer” video; it was all about racism, and finding the strength through prayer to stand up to it–but everyone, as usual, got caught up in images from it without the proper context.)

I didn’t go see Truth or Dare in the theater; I rented it from Blockbuster when it came out on video. I had an enormous crush on the dancer Salim–he was just so handsome in the “Vogue” video–and as a Madonna fan, I was curious to see what it was like backstage on one of these massive tours. I was also–and remain–grateful to Madonna for all she did for the LGBT community, as well as bringing attention to HIV/AIDS, and being one of the first celebrities to do so. It was quite an unusual experience to see all these gay men in the film, so openly and brazenly gay and unashamed and just being themselves. The 1980’s was an incredibly difficult decade for me, personally–I’ve still not unpacked my twenties completely, maybe I never will–and the 1990’s didn’t start off much better for me. But at the time I watched Truth or Dare I had already started down a path to make a better life for myself, coming to terms with myself and who I was, and who I wanted to become, the kind of life I wanted. So the documentary resonated for me a bit; these were gay men who’d followed their dreams, and despite everything, despite all the hate and homophobia and prejudice and bigotry, made those dreams came true.

That was kind of aspirational, if not inspirational.

Seeing where the dancers ended up afterwards, some twenty-five years or so later, in Strike a Pose was kind of sad in some ways, but good in others. Being a ‘Madonna dancer’ was both a blessing in some ways and a curse in others, but they all seem to be doing well now, and it was fun seeing them all together–the ones who are left; one died from AIDS complications–again; it was also painful to listen, and see, them talking about their own personal struggles with HIV, the stigma and the shame–another legacy from that time.

Recently I was given the opportunity to talk to a retirement specialist, to help me come up with a plan for my retirement, and she was a little nonplussed about how “unprepared” I was for my looming retirement. “You should have started in your twenties,” she gently chided me.

I replied, “When I was in my twenties I thought I would be dead before I was forty.”

My reply made her feel uncomfortable, and bad–which wasn’t my intent. I knew she wasn’t being insensitive…but I wasn’t trying to make her feel bad, either. I was merely stating the truth, awful as it might seem now.

We all thought–no, believed, we were going to die young.

So, yes, it is very true that things aren’t as bad as they used to be, that things have gotten better in our society and in our world and in our culture.

But for fuck’s sake, that’s a pretty goddamned low bar–and progress doesn’t mean we’ve overcome everything, either.

Now I’d like to see Truth or Dare again. Strike a Pose struck a chord in me, obviously, and I do think it’s an important film…I’m glad I saw it.

NOTE: The Blond Ambition tour was also supporting Madonna’s album I’m Breathless: Music from and Inspired by the Motion Picture Dick Tracy. It was that album that contained “Vogue,” which is a timeless classic.