Tag: fatigue

Kiss You All Over

Thursday morning last day in the office blog, and it’s also the start of Southern Decadence here in New Orleans. Decadence was my favorite time of year for a very long time, but now I’m too old to stand and walk for hours (let alone dance all night) and I also can no longer handle the heat, so I can’t be out there for very long anyway. The last time I was at Decadence was to pass out condoms in 2017 or 2018, I’m not sure which, honestly, but I do remember it was so hot and humid and so many people were out on that Sunday, that I thought I was going to be sick. It had also rained that morning so…yeah, major league humidity that day. Shudder.

How on earth did I ever spend so much time over a weekend partying and dancing in this kind of heat? I guess the drugs helped. And of course, back when I used to participate in the revelry, I was used to the heat more because we generally went out every weekend, and thus was acclimated to it. Not being used to it anymore is my primary problem with the summers here.

I feel rested with just a touch of fatigue this morning. That’s fine, because I can sleep later tomorrow and so I just have to make it through today. On the way home last night I stopped and made groceries; it was odd because there wasn’t much traffic in the CBD. Since school started, getting to work in the morning is more of a pain because there’s heavier traffic both before and after work now–as well as the bane of my existence, school busses on I-10. After I got home I was a kitty bed for a while, and I did do some work and some chores (that still need to be finished). I did make a terrific and comprehensive to-do list yesterday afternoon as well, which was a good feeling. Tonight after work I’ll probably come home and just rest since I work at home tomorrow and it’s a three day weekend. I’m going to DoorDash lunch today at the office so I don’t have so much to carry in this morning, and thus won’t have as much to carry on the way home tonight, either. I also made an appointment for a flu shot (fuck you, RFK Jr and MAGA, now and forever) for Friday morning.

And of course, tomorrow is the Katrina anniversary. I see there’s a new documentary on Netflix about Katrina, I think called Come Hell and High Water, that I want to watch as part of my coping with it all again to try to get it all out of my psyche. I also need to finish my newsletter about the anniversary so I can get it sent out tomorrow. It’s been such a long time now that I suppose it’s “safe” to talk about things that happened decades ago, but I was tired of talking about them and worse, worried that the audience (here or on panels, etc.) was bored with hearing about it. I never want to bore anyone!

Also, yesterday the anthology Celluloid Crimes dropped, with my story “The Last To See Him Alive” in it! I also realized yesterday I have short stories in three anthologies all coming out over a period of a week or so. Wild, isn’t it? My story is an adaptation of the first chapter of Chlorine, so it serves as a preview of the book to come. (It’s different from the first chapter that will appear in Chlorine, but you can get a sense of the novel’s story from the short story that appears here.)

The weather has oddly remained mostly humidity free and cooler than usual, and we’ve not had any rain now for a couple of days. Interesting.

And on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. Have a lovely Thursday, Constant Reader, and I’ll be back tomorrow morning.

And We Danced

Tuesday morning and an easy day at the office was had by me yesterday. The in-service employee development day counted as a full day of work, so I got to leave at two yesterday, which was a rather pleasant surprise once I started figuring out my hours (new pay period; we get paid on Wednesday). I did manage to get everything caught up on that I needed to get caught up on, and that always feels good. Alas, once I got home it was a different story. I ran by the post office to get the mail on the way home (my new coffee mugs!) but once I got home, I kind of ran out of steam. I’d felt a little “off” all day, and when I got home, it hit with a vengeance. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but I was very fatigued physically and mentally…so it was US Open and an episode of Foundation. I also fell asleep in my chair around eight o’clock. Not sure what that was all about yesterday, but here’s hoping today will be a better one. I think we are slow again today in the clinic–no one gets tested the week before Southern Decadence…a proud tradition the New Orleans gays participate in every year; they’ll all be coming in after.

And there will be symptoms.

I feel good this morning, even though I didn’t really want to get up and out of bed this morning…it’s so warm and comfortable under my pile o’blankets. Sparky was even cuddly this morning, around trying to get me to wake up and feed him. He really is a sweetheart…as I look at the scabs all over my hands and arms from his claws.

September is almost upon us–this weekend, in fact–as well as LSU’s football season opening and then it’s Bouchercon, and next thing you know, it’s mid-September. Time does seem to go past much more quickly the older you get. It’s a cliché, but clichés become clichés for a reason. (Same with stereotypes–something I’ve taught multiple times; ‘how to write outside your experience” type things.) I have a lot of things to try to get done next week–people to see, mostly, other than Noir at the Bar on Thursday night–so I really need to focus this week and get ahead rather than falling behind. I do regret being so fatigued yesterday (it feels like wasted time to me, but getting rest when you need it isn’t a waste; I am being much kinder to myself these days), but am not beating myself up over it. I think sometimes I get depressed, but in a different way than most people think about when they hear “depression”–sure, sometimes I used to really get terribly down, but now I’m not truly aware of it until my brain and body show signs, like being tired. It’s also hard because I am still recovering from the physical trauma of being so horribly sick (and getting paranoid every time my digestive system does something or feels off, like it did yesterday–fearing that I’m going to have another episode). There are so many things anything could be! Just getting older, still recovering, maybe depression, maybe anxiety, and on and on and on it all goes.

Heavy sigh.

I also didn’t do much around the house last night. I forgot to turn the dishwasher on yesterday morning before I left the house (I did, however, remember this morning), and I also didn’t pick up anything or vacuum or anything. I was serious when I said I wasted the evening in my chair! Hopefully tonight when I get home I’ll have some energy. I’ll need to unload the dishwasher (and load it again) and I think there’s some laundry that also needs doing, as well as picking up and cleaning and writing.

I also need to update my to-do list.

And on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. Have a lovely Taco Tuesday, Constant Reader, and I’ll be back on the morrow.

Ah, those Chippendales calendars. In the 1980s, muscle boys hadn’t all started shaving off all their body hair yet…and hairy is a good look for this dude.

Bye Bye Love

Saturday! Sparky let me sleep a little later this morning, but I still have some physical fatigue this morning. I seem to be mentally alert, but the physical shit is weighing me down. We did run errands after work yesterday, including Costco (I got a new vacuum cleaner for my birthday next week), and when we got home from everything and everything had been brought in and put away, I was done for the day. I spent most of the evening being a cat bed and watching documentaries on Youtube about history. Paul eventually finished his work duties and we watched the most recent Platonic, which I love.

Today I have an errand to run and groceries to order for delivery. I want to spend some more time with The Hunting Wives, which I started Thursday night, and my other current books. I need to clean the apartment, too–it’s a slovenly mess–and would again like to get some writing done today as well. I have to say getting groceries delivered might be the best thing to come out of the illness–now I never want to set foot in a grocery store for an extended period of time; I don’t mind dashing in for a few things every now and then. It’s much better that way and I can always swing by the one in the CBD on the way home from the office. I also need to assemble the new vacuum cleaner, so I will probably spend some time getting the floors taken care of, and it’s long overdue.

I certainly am enjoying my coffee and breakfast this morning. It’s already bright and sunny outside, which is lovely and probably means yet another heat advisory. August is flying by, and I really need to buckle down and get my act together. The fatigue and lethargy has been brutal this summer, and I have to understand that I will probably never go back to the way I was before I got sick. Which is also fine; I have nothing to prove to anyone anymore, and certainly not to myself, do I?

I picked up some new books Thursday on my way home from the office: the new Chuck Tingle (Lucky Day); She Didn’t Stand a Chance by Stacie Grey; and Dogs Don’t Break Hearts by ‘Nathan Burgoine. I also need to prune the books again, don’t I? It’s been a hot minute since I dropped off a donation box at the library. Part and parcel of the cleaning/organizing process, isn’t it? I still am a book hoarder, but I’m getting better. I certainly am not buying as many books as I did before. I really do need to make progress on the TBR stacks and piles all over this messy, overly dusty place.

And when the heat and humidity break, I am going to clean my filthy filthy windows.

I also have another newsletter to write this weekend.

And on that note, I am going to head over to my easy chair to read more of my current reads before running my errands and getting cleaned up and starting on the house. Have a lovely Saturday, Constant Reader, and I’ll be back, most likely tomorrow morning.

The goddess Isis guarding the Canopic Shrine of Pharaoh Tutankhamen

Since I Held You

Ah, another work at home Friday and man, was I fatigued yesterday. I’m hoping that sleeping late this morning and tomorrow will knock the last of the fatigue out of my system. I was more mentally alert in the morning than I’d been since the infusion, but the brain wiring started sparking and malfunctioning in the afternoon. I do hate when that happens, and my legs get super-tired and my feet feel like I’m just dragging them along for the ride. Most unpleasant, actually. Needless to say, I didn’t run any errands on the way home last night, but after getting caught up on the news once I was home, I started doing research again on the 1970s by watching Youtube videos. (It’s amazing how much I’ve forgotten about the 1970s.) Today after work we’re going to go to Costco and run some various other errands, which means I’ll probably be exhausted again tonight. But that’s okay, I feel rested (my legs are still fatigued, though) and it’s always nice to get up to a cat alarm than to the horrible electronic beeping tones of an alarm.

I was kind of bummed there wasn’t a new episode of South Park this week, and I have to say, between the show and Gavin Newsom, I think this marks a sea change in the country. Turns out the MAGArbage doesn’t like being treated the way they’ve treated other people for the last ten years. Aw, they’re needing safe spaces like the precious, unique little snowflakes they are and always have been. But the masks are off them now permanently, and their narcissistic tantrums about “their” country and their “true” patriotism.

Sorry, if you try to overthrow the government, you’re not a patriot. And have we forgotten “Let’s go Brandon”? You’re not a patriot if you’re trying to cram your beliefs and values (such as they are) down the throats of everyone. You’re not a patriot if you celebrate and applaud violations of the Constitution. You can fetish worship symbols you don’t understand (for the record, wearing the flag as an article of clothing is also considered a desecration) all you want, but that doesn’t make you a patriot, especially if you don’t understand and appreciate what they symbolize.

And for the record, I am not about forgiving and forgetting. Straight white people, if and when this horrible period actually ends, will be all about that… just as they were after the Civil War. They always prefer to support other white people than oppressed minorities, to the detriment of the country, and we just wind up back where we were yet again because so many white people won’t address their bigotries and prejudices.

And as for Jillian Michaels, she has always been a garbage person. Anyone who calls herself a “gay woman” instead of “lesbian”? That’s kind of telling. She wants to join, and only associate, with the rich conservative cisgender white gays1. I do take some consolation in knowing that her unspeakable vileness means she is miserable and unhappy; it’s written all over her face. She must really be bitter that she can’t shame and embarrass overweight people on national television anymore. She was a disgrace to the fitness profession, and she’s a massive embarrassment of a human being. I hope she marries someone just like her and forgets the prenup. Irrelevant and useless, why does being a hateful bitch on television make her an authority on history and politics? Because she once had a reality show? Bitch, please.

This week, Taylor Swift announced, on the Kelce Brothers podcast, that she was dropping a new album, The Life of a Showgirl, in October. Yesterday she released the four alternate covers of the album, one of which is this:

One of the covers for Taylor Swift’s new album, The Life of a Showgirl.

She looks amazing, doesn’t she? But of course, trolls (who really need to get a life) did what they usually do whenever she does anything. The cover above was shared on social media by some bitter pill of a man in Houston, saying “She has young fans! How is this appropriate?” I personally have seen more skin on the beach or at a pool, and sometimes in the French Quarter. Yes, this is the problem, not a president who’s in the Epstein files for child rape, or all the youth pastors, or preachers, or priests arrested on the daily for raping kids. No, Taylor Swift in a Las Vegas-style showgirl outfit–on theme for her album–is the real problem2 kids are facing today.

God give me strength.

I am pleased to report, however, these zeta males were thoroughly ratioed and dragged in the comments…I don’t understand this sick need some people have for negative attention and being humiliated on-line (probably bots, but in some cases they are actually people), and probably never will.

And on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. Have a lovely Friday, Constant Reader, and I will most likely not be back until tomorrow morning.

  1. The Log Cabins are vile, period. ↩︎
  2. Where is all the upset about kids possibly finding out about Laura Loomer and “Arbys in her pants”? Give me a break. ↩︎

Shoo Be Doo

Thursday morning, and I am awake with my mind alert for a change–but my body is still fatigued. Hopefully getting to sleep a little later tomorrow will make a difference in the degree of fatigue I’ve been experiencing this week. This is actually the worst it’s been after an infusion, so hallelujah that this was the last one! I’ve not been able to get much of anything done around here after work–I fell asleep just after eight again in my chair, only to go up to bed around nine thirty. I did sleep well, but probably needed to stay in bed a few more hours, methinks.

We were also busy in the clinic yesterday, which didn’t help the fatigue, but I made it through the day unscathed. I did get a lot done there, too. I think we’re busy again today, but the morning is pretty slow and easy, so I can get caught up on my paperwork. I think tonight after work I’ll come straight home. I skipped the grocery store last night, but picked up the mail and my prescriptions, so that was a plus. I’ll probably have some groceries delivered over the weekend, as I am out of some things. I also don’t think I am imagining how much prices have gone up lately. Wasn’t that yet another broken campaign promise? I mean, I thought inflation was all Biden’s fault, wasn’t it? Here’s hoping we’ll have a robust mid-term election next year…although I suspect we’re never going to have another one. I would be delighted to be proven wrong, for the record, but nothing the Fascists do anymore surprises me. What surprises me is when they do something decent without an ulterior motive…and I am still waiting to be surprised.

Despite the mental fatigue I was experiencing when I got home last night, I did manage to park myself in my chair and catch on the news. Christ on the cross, what the fuck is wrong with this country (rhetorical)? I heartily enjoyed reports on Gavin Newsom’s tweets yesterday, and the utter insanity of Laura Loomer’s deposition in her defamation suit against Bill Maher. Future generations will (hopefully) look back at this time and ask, in all seriousness, what the fuck was wrong with everyone? Which leads me around to an essay I am writing about Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn, and how that history has always been distorted to blacken Anne’s reputation as well as who she was; imagine if the only reports for future historians about you were your absolute worst enemies…even those who admired her were too afraid to say anything positive about her after her fall. I also saw somewhere on-line recently a comparison between Henry VIII and our own unspeakably vile president.

This is why studying history is, in my opinion, so vitally important–but it’s equally important to keep an open mind as well. Context also matters.

I probably should have been a historian. The problem, though, was all of it interests me; I don’t know that I would have been able to decide on a particular period to focus on. The smart thing for me to have done would have been to double major in history and creative writing, with a minor in either French or German. Although I probably would have focused on the sixteenth century, which has always fascinated me…French would have been the wiser course because it was the diplomatic language of that period, so a lot of the source material would have been in French.

Is it just me, or has there been a lot of flooding all over the country this year? I haven’t paid as much attention to it all as perhaps I should have, but at least I’ve made note of it. The Guadalupe River floods in Texas were kind of hard to escape, as everyone seemed to be covering that story. But it seems like every day, or at least every other day, whenever I log into my browser I see pictures of devastating flooding somewhere in the US. Flooding is so awful and it’s never fun to lose your car and/or your home and most of your belongings.

And on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. Have a lovely day, Constant Reader, and I will be back in the morning.

The Temple of Abu Simbel, statues of Ramses II

Dancing in Berlin

Wednesday, which is both Pay-the-Bills Day and my last day in the office for the week. Woo-hoo! Long weekend where I may not have to leave the house very much! Even bigger woo-hoo!

I sound rather curmudgeonly, don’t I? I’ve always had a bit of the curmudgeon in me–how much I am not sure, but I certainly have been feeling like I am getting more curmudgeonly with every passing year. I will be sixty four in just slightly over two months (two months Friday, to be exact), and I’ve been through some things in all those revolutions around the planet. I feel like I can be a little curmudgeonly? But if I were retired and home all day every day, I’d want to run errands and get out of the house more if I never really had to leave the Lost Apartment, you know? Since I’ve weaned back on so many other things that I was doing (which really were just all distractions that kept me away from my writing and focusing on my career more), I also don’t spend hours answering emails, which is delightful. There was nothing worse than opening my inbox and just immediately feeling overwhelmed and defeated by the amount that needed to be answered quickly–and diplomatically, even when the email didn’t deserve anything but scorn and contempt. It was exhausting, and I don’t miss it in the least.

The fatigue from Monday’s infusion–which really hit Monday evening–carried over a bit into yesterday, alas. I slept great, but was still a little foggy-brained, and my legs felt tired, which is usually an indicator that I am not as rested as I should be. Ironically, I did feel rested, just not mentally firing on all cylinders. I really could have slept longer yesterday–Sparky was not pleased when I hit the snooze button twice, and I haven’t even hit it once lately. My routine has shifted so dramatically, but at the same time the illness gave me so much new and better perspective on so many things. I do things when I get home rather than just being a vegetable in my easy chair, doom-scrolling while bingeing something on the television before staying up later than I should. It’s nice to come down to a kitchen that isn’t a disaster. It’s nice to stay current with the kitchen and the dishes and the laundry. It’s nice to run errands and read–when my mind can focus enough to read; the last two nights did not cooperate. But if this is the worst side effect from the infusions, I feel very lucky and grateful. I can plan around this next month, knowing I am going to be fatigued for the day of and the day after. Yeah, that’s something I can live with.1

I also didn’t want to get up this morning and had another great night’s sleep last night. I don’t know if I am foggy-brained for the day or not, but here’s hoping I won’t be. I think we’re very busy in the clinic today, so I won’t have a lot of time to think about it very much one way or the other, but I do have to run some errands this evening, too. But tomorrow is a holiday! Huzzah! Hopefully Sparky will let me sleep in a bit. I also have an extra day to read and write and clean, which should be a good thing, depending on how motivated I am.

In other exciting news, LSU beat UCLA 9-5 yesterday, finishing off Monday night’s game from the weather delay, and thus remain unbeaten in the College World Series so far, which is kind of exciting. GEAUX TIGERS! We have to play Arkansas again tomorrow night, which is a shame; I do think Arkansas and LSU are the two best teams there and should be playing for the title instead of so early. Should make for an exciting game, provided there’s no weather delay.

I also went over the copy edits on a story I sold to an anthology, which remains untitled but will come out in September, I think. It’s another Alabama story, “The Spirit Tree,” and rereading it…it’s not bad. I don’t really remember writing it (it’s been a rough year, okay? Don’t judge me) , but I do know where the idea came from; “spirit trees’ were mentioned in the opening of a non-fiction book about Alabama I’d read (about snake handlers), and I remembered that one of my relatives–distant and I don’t remember who it was or how they were related or on which side of the family they came from–had one, and then I thought, wouldn’t it be interesting if spirit trees actually worked? And started writing the story from there. It’s another one of my “Alabama back in the holler” stories (one of the ones I am currently working on is also one of those), which always seem to wind up being my favorites, for some reason. (This is why I am not the best judge of my own work; some of it has a personal connection of some sort for me, and that does affect how I view it…for example, Bury Me in Shadows was deeply personal for me on many levels, and so it’ll always be a favorite of mine; Murder in the Rue Dauphine was my first book contract; and so on…besides, it’s really not up to me to determine what my best work is, is it?)

I do wonder what kind of writer I would be had we never left Alabama, though.

I still haven’t made a to-do list, either, which is just shameful. I do feel a little foggy this morning, despite being on my third cup of coffee, so it may not be a terribly productive day for me again. Heavy heaving sigh. But that’s just the way things roll, isn’t it? There are definitely things that need to be done today, so maybe–just maybe, I should make two lists, one for today and one for the long weekend? Hmmm.

And on that note, I am heading back into the spice mines. Have a lovely day, hope you enjoy your holiday tomorrow, which is most likely when I shall return to the blog.

The temple of Ramses II at Abu Simbel–another site I’d love to see in person.

When We Make Love

Tuesday morning, which oddly is my halfway point of going into the office this week. It’s bizarre and will be mentally disruptive, but Thursday is a holiday and Friday my remote day, so when I leave the office tomorrow night I’ll be heading home for the weekend and not returning until Monday. Very weird, am I right?

Well, the first infusion went well. I was early (of course) but the slightly more than two hours wasn’t bad. It wasn’t bad; the chair I was in while getting it was a massage chair that also heated, so I had some nice heat into my back muscles to go with the vibrating. I didn’t have any negative reaction to it, but alas and alack, there was a crisis at work and I was trying to figure out how to fix everything for everyone by communicating through the Teams app, which also helped pass the time and also counted as work; I mean, I was having a medical procedure and was working remotely, you bet your ass I am counting that as work time! I was a bit tired when it was over and throughout the rest of the day, but if that is the only side effect I feel from this, I can live with it. I also treated myself to Sonic on the way back to the office, and it was pouring rain on me from the moment I left the hospital until I got back to the office–which was the cue for every stupid New Orleans driver who can’t drive in the rain to get on the highway. The way people drive, you’d think it never rained here. (Narrator voice: It does, in fact, rain frequently in New Orleans.)

Despite having to deal with a work crisis, I was also able to spend some time reading Summerhouse, which I’m enjoying and is also making me think. It’s a very interesting take on long-term queer couples and relationships1, and the cultural differences between Turkey and the United States–they are discreetly and deeply closeted, but even that aspect of the story makes me think, and there’s also some interesting thoughts bubbling up about gender roles and gay couples that might make for an interesting essay in and of itself; the book is definitely engaging my mind. Thanks again to Kristopher Zgorski, whose review of the book brought it to my attention; I’d have probably missed it otherwise. (He is such a good source for great books!)

I also got to write a guest post over at Christa Faust’s newsletter, and the topic was Sex Workers in Crime Fiction. I wish I had done a better job, but she asked me to do it before I got sick–and then came the sickness, followed by the recovery process (still in it) and my writer brain might not have been engaged enough? I suppose I am not doing a good job convincing you to go read it, am I? But I definitely have strong opinions about sex, sexuality, and sex workers, and I do get some of those across in the guest post. Also, big thanks to Christa for inviting me–and if you’ve not read her work, what the FUCK are you waiting for? Seriously, get thee hither to your local bookseller and if they don’t have them in stock, order them and DEMAND they stock them from now on.

I also got a lovely shout out for Pride from ‘Nathan Burgoine. It’s so hard for me to register that Bourbon Street Blues came out twenty-one years ago…both Scotty and Chanse can legally drink now. Yikes, indeed. I guess I have been around long enough to be considered a sage? Ha ha ha ha, as if.

Also, I don’t know if you subscribe to Matthew Rettenmund’s Boy Crazy newsletter, but he recently wrote a great piece about Soloflex and their first model, Scott Madsen. Matthew does an excellent job of talking about celebrity culture of gay interest, and he also talks about things of gay interest from over the last four decades (he wrote an amazing piece for Esquire about Playgirl that is an absolute must-read). I may write about Madsen and Soloflex at some point myself, but more from a Gregalicious point of view rather than an overarching cultural one the way Matthew does.

Lots of links this morning, no?

The only effect to the infusion that I could tell was fatigue, which was one of the side-effects they mentioned, but not one of the serious ones. Fatigue is to be expected, so after I made groceries on the way home I was pretty wiped out. We watched some more Coyotl, which is becoming more and more fun as we go–although when our hero is the beast, he looks more silly than intimidating, which kind of spoils it a little bit. I do feel a bit tired and worn out this morning and didn’t want to get up, but my coffee seems to be kicking in right now so I am going to ride that wave, hopefully through the rest of the day. The LSU game was also rain-delayed (which is why we were able to watch Coyotl) until this morning with the Tigers up 5-3 in the fourth.

And it’s into the spice mines I go this morning! Have a lovely Tuesday, Constant Reader, and I’ll check in with you again tomorrow.

I’m not sure what it says about me as an almost 64 year old gay men but my first thought every time I see this image is “Sure, he’s hot but no one is going to be fucking on that sofa because those stains will never come out.”
  1. Long term relationships are often missing from queer lit, as are gay men in their sixties as the focal point of the story. ↩︎