Tuesday morning and for whatever reason, I feel much more rested and awake this morning than I did yesterday. I felt off all day yesterday, partly because I was sleepy still for most of the morning, and never felt like I ever completely woke up. This morning I feel like a new person, which is very cool. I like when I feel rested.
So yeah, I felt off most of the day yesterday. I started getting my work done and got most of it done–I’m still behind–and ran my errands after work. It didn’t rain on me on the way home, which was a lovely change, and so I got the mail (and a copy of Jericho Brown’s The Tradition). I also started reading, of all things, The Iliad last night. I’ve never read it or the Aeneid or the Odyssey–lyric poetry–even though I was very aware of the story and everything about it. (I had a Trojan War/Greek mythology era in my childhood.) I was actually enjoying myself as I read it while glancing up at the Olympics (I am really going to miss the Olympics when they are over.) So I did manage to get some reading done last night, which was incredibly cool. Maybe this weekend I’ll spend some time reading poetry and trying to learn about it. I was thinking about that last night as I drove around town, that the extra time I have now can be spent either relaxing or studying poetry or teaching myself something. I am going to definitely schedule in some German on Duolingo; and of course I want to keep studying Louisiana and Alabama history.1
I should have cleaned the kitchen when I got home last night. Sigh. I’ll have to do it tonight, and get the house a bit under control. It won’t take long–wouldn’t have taken long yesterday, either, but I gave in to Sparky’s cuddle needs and so I came down to a dirty kitchen again this morning. And before I knew it, the Olympics were on and I was sucked into the excitement of sport again. It was great seeing Louisiana’s own Mondo Duplantis win the pole vault and set a new world record competing for Sweden, the floor exercise was amazing–I can’t believe they didn’t air the medal ceremony, well done, NBC. The pictures of Simone Biles and Jordan Chiles bowing to gold medalist Rebeca Andrade was epic, and went viral, so why would viewers want to see it? I love the Olympics, and getting Snoop to go as our official ambassador was genius, but so much of the coverage in prime time–when they’ve had all day to stitch together the show–isn’t good. (Although my favorite was the woman griping about ‘why do they have a quarterback commenting on gymnastics?’ to get the reply “John Roethlisberger was a four time all around US champion and Olympian. You’re thinking about Ben Roethlisberger who quarterbacks the Steelers.’ I laughed for a good few minutes there, because her post had actually confused me and I didn’t know what she was talking about…for good reason.)
It’s funny because yesterday I was talking about not getting more books, only to get up to notifications that the new Gabino Iglesias and the new Donna Andrews are on their way to me now, which is marvelous. Maybe spending some time with The Iliad last night has reopened the flood gates to reading again….I guess we’ll find out this weekend, or maybe even tonight.
You know what’s really funny? This forced “Olympics break” from writing was the smartest thing I could have ever done. Sometimes you just need to trick your brain. By going from I should write every day and then feeling like a loser who can’t take part in his passion anymore, to I am not going to write for two weeks has absolutely worked. All I’ve really wanted to do these last ten days or so (however long it’s been) is actually write. I allow myself to hand write in my journal, but actually typing out fiction or non-fiction, and immersing myself in it? Not allowed. Maybe, just maybe, this means when the Olympics are over I’ll be eager to get back into the swing of writing every day.
And on that note, I am going to head into the spice mines. Have a lovely Tuesday, and I may be back later; stranger things have happened.
I’ve always been weird, even when I was a little boy. I was different from other kids. I didn’t want to play outside, I wanted to read or play with my toys and make up stories. My parents were always urging me to go outside to play, so I’d just take a book and go sit on the back stairs of that little apartment on Komensky in Chicago. When I started school, I remember it being a bit of a shock to me. There were other kids in our neighborhood, but I didn’t really play with them much; they were mostly girls and friends of my sister’s, and while she let me tag along a lot (a running theme of her unfortunate childhood–always being saddled with her weird younger brother), I preferred my solitude and a book. School was strange for me; thrust into a world where I was surrounded by kids I didn’t know, and I didn’t understand how they all seemed to know each other and be friends already. I stayed by myself for the most part until someone asked me to join a game or something, and entertained myself for the most part. No one picked on me, no one said anything hateful to me or called me names, and for the most part I got on with my classmates. I got up in the morning, went to school, went to Mrs. Harris our babysitter’s house for lunch, back to school and then finally home. We only lived a block away from my elementary school, which made life ever so much easier for my parents; they didn’t have to worry about us coming and going to school safely. We only had to cross two streets to get there–down one block and across to the other side–and there were crossing guards. I knew instinctively that somehow I was different from the other kids; no one liked to read as much as me1, and only as an adult did I find other people who read as much, if not more so, than I do.
But reading–and watching television and movies–began defining “normal” to me; and I couldn’t understand in my childish brain (so advanced in so many ways but lacking in just as many) why the real world was so different from the fictional realities I lost myself in while consuming media. Riverdale in Archie comics seemed like such a nice place, but that was definitely not my high school experience. Whenever I took a chance on reading something age-appropriate (ah, those Scholastic book fairs!) I generally didn’t like it unless it was a mystery. I read so many of the kids’ series books for many different reasons; ironically liking the two most popular (Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys) the least (Ken Holt, Judy Bolton, and the Three Investigators were much better).
It was when we moved to the suburbs that I began to realize that I was not only different but I was weird. I was a boy who didn’t care that much about sports, didn’t want to play them, and there was all kinds of stuff messing with my brain. Sixth grade wasn’t too bad, but that was also the first time that other kids began to wonder about my masculinity, but the worst it got was being taunted by other boys as a “sissy,” and then the next day the group of boys in the neighborhood I met through school acted like nothing had happened the day before–which was when I first learned that you couldn’t really trust other people; they would be your friend one day and cruel the next; and then back to being your friend again. (That group did turn on me completely in junior high school one day; it was weirdly coordinated with other kids at school who weren’t in our neighborhood.)
I hated being shamed more than anything else, for something I couldn’t control. It was in junior high also that I began to understand my sexuality at the same time so many kids began understanding mine and laughing and mocking me for it. I was always in fear of violence, and the kids in my middle-class mostly white desegregation-refugee suburb weren’t above ganging up on one person and beating them. (The suburbs, where we moved for “more stability” and “to have our own house” was far more dangerous for me than living in the city.) I ignored it all, but inside I burned with shame and embarrassment because I also knew the other kids were right about me; I did like boys, and how on earth did I ever learn, in a world that in which homosexuality was erased from public view, what men did together sexually? How did I know? I don’t remember reading about it anywhere, and whenever a gay person appeared in any media it was very negative. But there we were.
The irony lies in the fact that I never really cared that much about having friends or being popular–but media convinced me otherwise; that it was important to be liked and popular and have lots of friends. So I would always allow myself to try to imagine what that would be like. So, I kind of made myself miserable as a teenager, more so than I should have been, because it had been made very clear to me that no one could ever find out. I felt like a pariah, and I also felt like the few actual friends I had weren’t really my friends, because if they knew I was gay they wouldn’t like me anymore. It wasn’t even that I really wanted to be popular, but I thought if I was, the cruelty would go away and no one would question my sexuality.
High school and college was more of the same, really. Lonely and wishing I had friends, forgetting that I didn’t need any. I even joined a fraternity, but even that wasn’t enough; some of the brothers were homophobic trash who loved making fun of me and laughing at me behind my back–which is where I also learned the valuable lesson that men are bigger gossips and much crueler about it than women. Such fraternal love, right? But it was in the fraternity that the seeds of not giving a fuck were beginning to be sown. It was a very bad decade, and it was the last decade of darkness controlling my life.
I was tired of being afraid all the time, you know?
I decided, when I was thirty, to leave that closet behind and get on with my life. It took another three years before I started the long reboot of my life, and when I found Paul I realized I don’t need anyone else, do I? I had long thought, for any variety of reasons, I would always be alone for the rest of my life, and once I’d accepted that (also, part of the shame PTSD went along with believing that I wasn’t deserving of someone’s love) I decided to embrace being weird and different from everyone else. The one piece that was still missing was being a writer…and once that really got started, I didn’t need anyone else. I had Paul, and I had my characters, and devoting myself to a writing career made things a lot easier. I mean, I still prefer being liked–who doesn’t–but if people don’t like me, it’s not my problem.
I’m weird that way. I think everyone who is a creative is weird. You have to be disconnected from the main fabric of society in some way to create; I don’t believe you have to suffer in order to create, either; but I’ve done my fair share of suffering over the years. I am always startled to hear how other people view me and my work; I prefer being liked, as I said, but it’s really not essential for me. It makes writing conferences a lot more fun to have friends to hang out with, but I always have my guard rails up.
Being weird, to me, is a good thing. It’s who I am and I don’t want to fight it anymore. I’m not going to worry if people like me or not; and I don’t owe any apologies to anyone. As Bette Davis once said, “other’s people’s opinions of me are none of my business.” I don’t mind being disliked; no one is liked by everyone and there certainly are a lot of people I wouldn’t cross the street for if they were on fire unless I’m carrying a can of gasoline (you know who you are, but you wouldn’t be reading this anyway because you’re sewage).
And people who dismiss me because I’m gay–or whatever surface reasons they may have–aren’t people I want to know in the first place because homophobes are never good people. Homophobia is usually the first step on the ladder to a soul full of bigotry and prejudice, and rarely if ever do homophobes stop with hating queer people.
Who wants to be normal? I saw that as a horrific existence when I was young, and part of my own misery for the first thirty years of my life was from being gaslit so constantly into what I knew would be a hellish adulthood that would most likely end in suicide.
One of the reasons that the MAGAts hate being called weird so much is because their entire identity is vested in being “normal”–it’s everyone else who is weird, strange, and different. But it’s not normal to want to check everyone’s genitals. It’s not normal to interfere in other people’s lives and tell them how they should live. It’s not normal to think you and your fellow believers are the only ones who have it right and everyone else is going to hell. It’s not normal to think skin tone makes a difference to intelligence, ability, and work ethic. It’s not normal to fetishize Israel because of your apocalyptic religious fantasies. It’s not normal to worship guns over other people’s lives. It’s not normal to see attacks on your faith when no one is even thinking about you. It’s not normal to want to regulate and track women’s menstrual cycles and fertility. It’s not normal to prioritize the unborn over the living. It’s not normal to hate your country unless your golden calf is elected. It’s not normal to claim to be religious but not follow the teachings of your holy book.
They’ve never been normal. Never. But they think they are, and it’s really all PTSD from NOT being popular in high school. They weren’t homecoming queens or cheerleaders or football players; and if they were, they peaked then and are still bitter that their personal glory days are far behind them. (Also: not normal.) Being called “weird” in a dismissive, you don’t matter way gets under their skin because they are not used to be questioned. They claimed to be the normal ones, the correct ones, the true American patriots–and we just let them without challenge. They aren’t used to being challenged, and when they are, it just causes them to melt down completely. They wore their hates and prejudices proudly–embracing being racists and homophobes and TERFs and misogynists3—but challenging their normality hits them hard because they know they aren’t really normal deep down inside.
The best way to deal with bullies? Withering scorn and contempt and outright mockery, as well as constant reminders that they aren’t normal and actually have sociopathic tendencies.
And it’s working. They have no response other than “no, you’re weird!” That doesn’t work on me because I am weird and I’ve embraced my individuality rather than being bullied into being like everyone else. I have no desire to go back to some fantasy halcyon past for straight cisgender white men, where everyone else is merely here to be used for their convenience. I’ve lived in that world and I have no desire to go back to it, in any way.
And wanting to? Is very fucking weird.
I also recently realized that the reason I loved to read and watch movies/television is because that was the only time I could get my brain to calm down and focus. So…my bad mental health as a child set me on the path to being a writer, which is also why getting the anxiety under control–which also has helped dramatically with mood swings–has me worried about being able to write again. But again–anxiety. ↩︎
Sunday morning after a completely wasted day, in which I just really relaxed and didn’t do much of anything. It was unusual, and I didn’t feel bad for just sitting around and just, you know, having a day off from everything and just wasting it. I still don’t feel bad about it, either. I had a very rough year last year, and while my body is getting healed from everything my brain still feels a little bit off. Taking care of my mental health really is, and has to be, a priority for me. And let’s face it, life keeps coming at me (everyone, really) so fast and there’s so much to worry about and be concerned about and it sucks that every morning I have to wake up worried about what went on yesterday that I’ll find out about that I wasn’t aware of when I went to bed the night before.
I do have to do some things today, and once I am finished with this I’ll have to figure some things out for the week, make a grocery list and all of those fun things, and run that errand during yet another heat advisory (will only feel like 114 today, so woo-hoo!) before coming home for more Olympics. One of the coolest things that happened this year so far was the election turnaround happened just as the Olympics (another patriotic high) started–and the right’s divisive and borderline hateful reactions to the Olympics–has only served to make them look even more weird. Imagine your “patriotism” requires you to hate on our Olympic athletes, or not be supportive of them. That’s how deep the rot and sickness on the Right in this country goes; they aren’t patriotic, and they never have been. (Pro tip: if you have to constantly call yourself a patriot while you’re shitting on other Americans or boycotting the Olympics because of some weirdo freaks on Twitter, you’re not a patriot no matter how much flag paraphernalia you are wearing to bolster your claim, which will always be weird to me.)
I don’t have to advertise my patriotism because I know I love my country despite its flaws, and why I have always held it to a much higher standard–the same one the Founders did–critique and fix, never think everything’s just fine when there are still things to fix, in order to live up to the original principles the country was founded upon. The Founders didn’t think they were gods, and that the Constitution couldn’t be changed. They made it hard to do deliberately–not because they didn’t want the document amended or changed in any way, but to ensure that such a thing was necessary and needed.
And you know, life is hard enough without trying to make it harder for others, which is something I’ll never understand–why do some people insist on trying to make others as miserable as they are? Misery loves company, I guess, which is the really sad thing about humanity. I’m not perfect and I never claim to be, but I like to think I don’t spread misery around–unless it’s deserved. I’m not a turn the other cheek kind of person, I’m afraid. I try not to ever start drama–but if you try to create some I will end that very quickly and you will not try it again. People who cause and create unnecessary drama are people I cut out of my life, because I ain’t got time for your shit, and the older I get the less fucks I have; the field in which I grow my fucks has been barren for quite some time, and shall remain fallow for as long as I live.
My brain has always been a mess; I was talking to Dad about that the last time I saw him, as we talked about my childhood and when he and Mom were married and struggling, and I tried to make him understand how fuzzy my brain had been when I was a child. I had generalized anxiety disorder and ADD as a kid, plus the genetic legacy of the wild mood swings, going from happy to over-the-top hysteria on the turn of a dime. I knew the hysteria was not good, so I started trying to control it when I was young. I also always had a buzzing sound in my head when I was a kid; I really can’t describe it better than that. I also was very stubborn (a family trait on both sides) and willful. I wanted to please my parents, who adored me (I always knew this, even though I always was certain they were disappointed in me–anxiety again), and spoiled me as much as they could afford. I can remember talking to my mom a few years ago–it was probably longer ago than I remember, because she was herself in this memory and not the fading woman she’d been since her first stroke, and I said something about not being an easy kid to raise and she scoffed dismissively. “You were no trouble at all,” she replied, which gave me another insight into my family–they remember things differently. I was always certain I was a disappointment to my parents and failed them all the time growing up; I remember making Mom cry and Dad being disappointed or angry with me.
Probably the most insightful thing I’ve ever said to my parents–not realizing how true this was–that it was a “good thing I didn’t have children, because you two would have spoiled them rotten”–and they would have. They would have spared no expense with my kids, but I never trusted myself enough to be a parent or to want kids. I don’t think I’m up to having them or being a parent, as I second-guess myself with my cat all the time, but knowing how I am…I would have spoiled them myself.
And on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. Have a great Sunday, and I may be back later; one never really knows, does one?
In order to honor the Olympics1, I’ve decided that my “hot man” daily image will be Olympic athletes, mostly present day but also including gorgeous men from past Olympics as well, through the course of these Games. I always loved the Olympics, even as a kid who wasn’t all that interested in team sports–I was always interested in individual sports (probably the introversion caused by the anxiety and ADD) more and the Olympics are nothing if not about the individual sport more so than the team efforts–and naturally, I gravitated to the ones where the athletes either wore very little, or something incredibly skintight. We did get to watch some of the Olympics yesterday, with the swimming relays and so forth, which was terrific and fun.2
It rained most of the day yesterday and as such I didn’t run my errands yesterday. (I’m going to Fresh Market this morning to get some things and will hit the grocery store again on the way home from work on Monday.) I didn’t write yesterday, either. The rain made me lazy, as it always does, but at least I got some of the chores done. We also finished watching the first season of Those About to Die, which was fun if not fully engaging, and certainly entertaining enough on its own. The final season of Elité also dropped, and there are several other things out now that I want to watch (Lady in the Lake being one) but this morning I need to get things picked up around the office space, finish some chores that got started, and then I’ll probably settle in for some Olympic enjoyment. Yay! I do love the Olympics. The first ones I remember are 1972, in Munich–Olga Korbut and Mark Spitz and the murders of the Israeli athletes. (They actually allowed us to watch the coverage of the hostage situation at my junior high because “it’s history.”) Paul and I were laughing about the Christian Nationalist response to them last night, and trying to remember opening ceremonies of the past. Athens and Beijing were the two that stood out the most to me (ironically, Fox News didn’t turn Athens’ celebration of Greece’s pagan past into a boycott, go figure, and the fact they were outraged this year because they were too stupid to understand what they were seeing is all anyone really needs to know about them: they get mad about things they don’t understand–and the French are now laughing at their ignorance). I do need to write today, and after I get this done and the kitchen organized, I am going to settle in to doing just that very thing.
I feel much more awake and alive this morning than I did yesterday, which is a lovely thing. It’s also very bright and sunny outside this morning, as opposed to yesterday’s gloom. I don’t really have to get much at the store today, just something for tonight’s dinner and a few other things, too, so going to the store shouldn’t be a tiring thing for me today. I am also going to make a to-do list this morning, and hopefully, that will keep me on track this week, and getting things done and accomplished. I want to get back into the old routine where I was a determined writer who got a lot done every week. I do have a ridiculous amount of down time now, and it’s taking some getting used to–I still feel guilty when choosing a down day or an evening off, but the book is really the only thing I’m getting behind on, which is also fine, you know? My emails never take long to get caught up on, and it’s so nice to not be buried in emails every fucking hour on the hour. I’ve been on social media a little too much lately–it’s hard to believe that it was only last Sunday afternoon that President Biden dropped out of the race. It seems like it’s been weeks, so much has rapidly changed over the course of this past week, that’s it hard to believe it’s been a mere seven days. It’s also lovely not seeing anything on social media from the pro-fascist mainstream media anymore. I do not miss the New York Times, Washington Post, CNN, or MSNBC3, and will continue to live without them until I am in the grave.
My coffee is hitting perfectly this morning too, and I am so hungry! I didn’t eat a lot yesterday, like a fool, and so of course this morning I am starving. I didn’t really have much to make for dinner, so I had a turkey sandwich and Paul got a frozen pizza for us for dinner, but obviously, that wasn’t filling–as I am finding out this morning.
I spent a lot of time yesterday cleaning up files (partly because my brain was too fogged yesterday so I knew I wouldn’t write) and oh my God, the essay file. SO many essays, so many drafts of them, so many with different names, so many different essays that are thematically the same as so many others. I had to file some new essay drafts yesterday, and that led me to realize how hard those folders were to navigate because of the lack of organization. It’s better now, but still needs some more work–and I also realized yesterday that I can post my old essays on writing and other things on Substack to keep the content going on a weekly basis so I don’t ever have to really worry about coming up with content; there are so fucking many, really. I wrote so many articles and columns, and they are just sitting in my files. There are also so many that I started and never finished, too. I doubt that the fitness ones would ever come in handy for anyone or anything, but the ones about self-esteem and work ethic and mind/body/spirit could work still. I could also rewrite them, because I am sure now I would read them over and cringe.
And maybe take some boxes down from on top of the cabinets. I think one is just filled with other packaging debris, and I kept it in case I wanted to send the vaccum (which I’ve hardly used) back.
And on that note, I need to get something to eat before I shrivel up. Have a great Sunday, and I may be back later. If not, till the morrow, Constant Reader.
Nathan Adrian, past Olympian in swimming
Plus, this title is another shot at trashbag Just Douchey Vance, which will never get old. ↩︎
I would also like to point out that the Olympics are supposed to rise above everything else to celebrate sport and athleticism. I was a little bummed to see an American athlete being mocked yesterday and his bad day celebrated by people on my political side. Sure, I am not a fan of MAGA and love mocking them every chance I get, but we should rise above that nonsense for the Olympics. I’ve always reviled the politicization of the Games, and always will. All that matters is they are repping our country, for better or for worse. ↩︎
MSNBC’s “excitement” over the new ticket–which they think they are responsible for–doesn’t negate the fact that the Democratic resurgence was not what they were trying to do. They were hoping for a repeat of 1968 (also a Chicago convention) which would leave the party in disarray and the door wide open for a MAGA takeover, for their ratings. Fuck them, now and forever. ↩︎
Wednesday hump day and we’ve made it to the midpoint of yet another week, one that is startlingly so much better than the ones preceding it that I actually don’t mind looking at social media. Of course, I’ve purged everyone from the mainstream media outlets I am boycotting now and probably forever, so I am not seeing their bullshit “pick me” scare headlines anymore, and you know, my world is already a much better place without them in it. My social media feeds now are filled with excitement in a way I’ve never really seen before. Does that mean I am in a bubble? Probably, but at the same time my news sources now are more reputable and reliable than the old US Big Four, who seem to be in the tank for authoritarianism and fascism. Who knew the fourth estate was such unethical garbage? The Right, as it turns out, was correct about them all the time, and they are more concerned with appealing to the people who will never buy their paper than serving the audience they’ve built over the decades…after all, now they’re saying we should have had an open convention. The head of the ticket stepped down, so the second person is stepping in–which is how it works and is the most important role of the vice-president–President in waiting, just in case.
And I think a lot of people are starting to wonder about JD Vance being a heartbeat away from the White House, given he is running with the oldest person ever to accept his party’s nomination. (Someone called him a shillbilly yesterday, and I still emit a small snicker every time I think about it.) Republicans have given us a lot of mediocrities as vice-presidential candidates this century, haven’t that? Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, Paul Ryan, Mike Pence, and now this grifting garbage.
Yesterday was a good day. I had a very productive day at the office before coming home. I lost track of the evening–BBC America news clips on Youtube, so much better than anything native to these shores–and then checked in with a few of my young Gen Z political news junkies, like Luke Beasley and Meidas Touch (and yes, I know they are biased, but it’s nice to hear someone else puncturing their balloons of hollow logic), and before I knew it, it was late and Paul was home and it was almost time to go to bed. So, tonight I will have to be a bit more productive when I get home. I need to get the kitchen back under control before the weekend, and I need to do some errands on the way home tonight, too. Need to delve back into the book. July has also kind of slipped through my fingers, too, and I had wanted to try to write something for the Malice anthology–which I will probably not get back around to before its deadline, which is the 1st of August. I hate when I let that sort of thing happen.
It’s funny, but I’ve never considered my family to be Appalachian; we’re from Alabama. I knew there were mountains in North Alabama. I don’t think I ever made the connection that those mountains were actually the Appalachians (maybe I did and just don’t remember)–and it is considered Appalachia. So, like Vance, I am Appalachia-adjacent. I am a child of Appalachia but never lived in Appalachia, but spent a lot of summers there, like Vance. I would never write a book trashing my family as worthless and lazy (I couldn’t, because they aren’t), and extrapolating that out to everyone in Appalachia (#notallAppalachians). Even though I’ve always considered Alabama the home place for my family (my real “home” was always where my mother lived), where my roots are and where I come from, I am not really of Alabama or Appalachia. It strongly influenced my life because my parents were technically hillbillies (or Mountain Williams, as an old Bugs Bunny cartoon called them), but hillbilly has always been kind of a slur for poor white trash; and one I’ve always kind of proudly claimed, jokingly. But I don’t know as much about either Alabama or Appalachia as I probably should. I’ve been making up for it with Alabama, but I really do need to study my heritage more–and being Appalachian is a much better heritage to claim rather than the Confederacy.
And I do love my lazy approach to research, in which I idly come back to it whenever I remember.
And I am just as Appalachian as JD Vance, and at least I am neither ashamed or embarrassed by the fact or my family.
I’ve also really enjoyed watching Appalachia come together on social media to drag him for the lying filth he is. (The fact that I got all the jokes, too, was definitely an indicator of the heritage, wasn’t it?) Hell, every time I drive up to eastern Kentucky I am going to Appalachia.
And on that note, I am getting cleaned up and heading into the spice mines. Have a lovely Wednesday, Constant Reader, and I’ll probably be back a little later on.
I’ve had cowboys on my mind lately. They definitely can be sexy as fuck, as depicted here.
Ah, the wonderful world of daytime soaps. It’s so weird to me that there are only four (The Young and the Restless, The Bold and the Beautiful, Days of Our Lives, and General Hospital) left on the air. At the height of my soap addiction, I watched more than four of them. I mean, you literally could spend the entire day from about eleven till three thirty watching them back then–four and a half hours solid of soaps. Usually there would be some kind of Good Morning America show on, followed by game shows, and then came the dramas. A lot of those game shows came and went, but ones like The Price is Right never seemed to go out of favor with audiences while the others waxed and waned.
Dark Shadows was the one I really loved when I was a kid, and to this day I still remember it fondly.
When we moved to Kansas in the mid 1970s, the town where we lived was only able to pick up one television station, a CBS affiliate out of Kansas City–less than half a year after we moved there we were able to get cable–but that first summer we lived there and I didn’t know anyone? All I did was read and watch television…and with only one channel, there really wasn’t much choice during the day so Mom and I started watching the CBS shows, and I am sure I am going to forget one here: Love of Life, The Young and the Restless, Search for Tomorrow, As the World Turns, Guiding Light and Edge of Night. (The latter was always one of my favorites, because there was a shit ton of crime. It was really a law-and-order soap, originally created to compete with Perry Mason on radio and had all the markings of a soap, with the usual love triangles, adultery and questionable parentage like all the others–but there was also always a very tangled and complicated murder mystery story running, usually connected to organized crime and sometimes not–but the main characters of the show were inevitably district attorneys and lawyers. Everyone on this show was eventually either murdered or went on trial for murder, which I thought was interesting.)
But the next summer, when I was at home all day, Mom still watched Y&R, but she’d moved on to shows I used to watch with my baby sitter in Chicago (General Hospital and One Life to Live) and a newer one I used to watch with my sister, All My Children, before switching back to CBS for Edge of Night. This was, of course, the beginnings of the General Hospital phenomenon of the late 1970s/early 1980s, primarily focused on Laura (and later, Luke and Laura) and while I did enjoy those stories…my favorites quickly became the Quartermaines, and Jane Elliott as Tracy, in particular. I became obsessed with the shows, watching them whenever I could, and then one day I found this book at a second hand store when I was about seventeen:
It was already out of date; at the time it was published the most popular show airing was NBC’s Another World (General Hospital was breaking all ratings records in the present day), so a lot of the book, when talking about modern times, focused on Another World, and its primary ratings driver, the love triangle between Steve, Alice and Rachel (George Reinholt, Jacqueline Courtney, first Robin Strasser and then Victoria Wyndham as Rachel; Reinholt and Courtney made the book’s cover). By the time I got to the book, Another World‘s ratings were already in free fall and ABC was in firm control of daytime’s ratings. It was also more of a puff piece rather than any in-depth reporting and digging. It was all about how talented and hard-working every one involved in daytime was, and conflicts and other off-camera issues were completely ignored. (It was updated several times, and the last edition I had a copy of, Soap World, was much better and not so “aren’t they all AMAZING?”)
But what was interesting to me about the book the most–and Soap Opera Digest–was that they both had summations/summaries of the soap’s plots from the beginning (not everything, obviously, but the main through plots and popular stories); that was how I actually learned how to write a synopsis. Interested in soaps and fascinated by these summaries, I started doing my own–inventing soap operas, coming up with the family relationships and marriages and so forth, and then would start writing the summaries. I also used to always have a bit of fun writing soap spoofs, generally casting my friends as “characters” and coming up with story lines and writing those summaries, even mini-episodes. I did several of these over the years, but the best was the one I wrote around my fraternity friends, The Young and the Pointless–and I have to say, I learned a lot writing that one. The others I’d done earlier didn’t last long and I’d get bored with it and stop; Y&P (as I called it) ended up being three “seasons” of twenty or so “episodes”, and I soon began understanding the struggles of soap writers–how do you top yourself with a story line? The need to constantly bring in new characters and subplots and balancing everything, until it became a bloated mess and I “canceled” it myself after the third season.
The first book I ever wrote, which I’ve mentioned before, was a sprawling soap opera about a small city in Kansas. Again, it was a learning experience and a difficult one at that; writing this book taught me about overwriting and filler; how bad dialogue can be if you don’t speak it aloud as you write it; and again, balancing characters and plots and subplots and story and keeping track of it all was insane. I’ve borrowed things from it over the years–plots, subplots, characters, locations, etc.–but always knew there was no point in trying to trim it down and use it as is. Murder in the Garden District’s case, in fact, was lifted fully from that manuscript; it was the main story. And I’ve used names from that manuscript repeatedly; they pop into my head unbidden and it isn’t until later that I realize where they came from and I change them.
I watched many soaps over the years; I’d often watch other soaps with friends who watched those shows and would get into them for a bit before going back to my solid three: All My Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital. I wrote a paper in college for a graduate level course on American culture in the 20th century; the paper was called “How Storylines on Daytime Television Drama Series Reflected Changes in the Mainstream Culture.”1 It was over a hundred pages long, and traced how the soaps went from being primarily marriage and divorce drama to mining social issues for story. I got an A on the paper, of course (I always got A’s on anything I had to write), and I’ve always had some of that information left in my head; and of course as the 1980’s began, they began casting beautiful young men with exceptional bodies to play heroes and villains on the shows–John Wesley Shipp is one I’ve never forgotten, and he’s still a handsome older man today, and so I was also able to occasionally see beautiful men shirtless or in speedos. I approved of this trend 100%.
John Wesley Shipp also did these kinds of photo shoots. My God, that body.
I eventually stopped watching them in the mid-1990’s, when I realized I could keep up with them or use that time to write; I chose to write instead. But even though I no longer watched, I kept up with them some on line and so forth. The twenty-first century purge was horrible to watch, as shows that had once been a popular mainstay of daytime television were mercilessly canceled between 2001 and 2012. It’s hard to believe there are only four left airing, and there haven’t been many in prime time for decades–although the continuing nature of the soaps is now the nature of almost every television series–that cliffhanger shit really does get people to tune back in.
But I always remember them fondly. There were so many wonderful stories over the years–including some completely insane ones–and characters, too. Luke and Laura on General Hospital, Greg and Jenny on All My Children, Viki’s dissociative identity disorder on One Life to Live, and all the wonderful murder mysteries and insane courtroom dramas are all remembered fondly by me–and then of course there was Erica Kane.
It just doesn’t seem like daytime anymore, without Susan Lucci chewing everything in sight as Erica Kane every afternoon, does it?
I really wish I had a copy of it, but it disappeared over the years and many cross-country moves. ↩︎
I am off today, as I have a lot of appointments to get me and Paul too (we always try to schedule our appointments on the same day to get them out of the way) and we are going to go to Costco later. I need to pick up prescriptions and go to the mail, too, and I also need to get some writing done, some cleaning and organizing, and reading done this weekend. Sparky got me up early this morning, but I’ll take the extra hour or so of sleep he afforded me this morning. Now that he’s been fed, he is nowhere to be seen. This morning before we start off on our long day out in the heat, I am going to finally make that damned to-do list I never got around to this weekend as well as figure out what I need to get from the grocery store this weekend and plan our meals. I think we’ll skip cooking out this weekend and I’ll try some new recipes that I’m interested in. I also need to clean out the refrigerator and get things out of there that need to be trashed. What a big, exciting day I have in front of me, don’t I? But it could be a lot worse.
We had a flooding storm again yesterday afternoon, which had me nervous for my drive home. Traffic in the evenings has been particularly horrible this week, and I’m not sure what that is all about, either, but it’s been highly annoying. It took me almost forty minutes to get home Wednesday night, and last night wasn’t much better–and I left early! But I got home, played with Sparky for a while, and then went down some Youtube video wormholes as I did so more research on 1994. It was only thirty years ago (!) but it was such a different world, and of course my memory is only so good, you know? It was actually a lovely, relaxing, and informative evening that I almost had lost track of time until Paul got home (late, grants again). I also have some electronic files to sort, too (always).
And it’s Friday, so the bed linens need laundering.
Such an exciting life I lead, right?
But it’s kind of nice to be in a period where everything in my life has kind of slowed down and settled. The first half of this year has sped by–at the start of the year I was still going to Physical Therapy twice a week for my arm, and I was tired all the time–and it’s almost August. Our anniversary is tomorrow–twenty-nine long years–and that just kind of snuck up on me. Twenty-nine years! Had someone told me thirty years ago that I was a year away from finding my life partner I would have laughed in their face. I do need to get back into the gym regularly–I’ll do that later on today–and maybe I’ll take tomorrow off from things? My birthday is also a month from tomorrow, too–I’ll be sixty-three, yikes–but I don’t feel sixty-three, but I suppose no one does. My sixties are certainly not what I thought they would be; with all the cruelty of youth I assumed that was Old Age, and it’s kind of not? My body isn’t breaking down at all. The biceps thing was an accident and could have happened at any age, really. My lower back was starting to bother me, and so were my hips, which was worrisome…and then I changed out my everyday shoes for a new pair and voilà! My lower back and hips no longer hurt. Sigh. I really can be stupid sometimes. No, that’s not fair to me, the word I should use is oblivious. I’ve always been oblivious, and when I was younger, I had serious trouble reading a room.
Not that I am much better now, but without the anxiety (thank you meds!) I am not terrified of that happening now.
That, I think, is the greatest life change I made this year: the new meds and getting rid of anxiety. I still have some, to be sure, but I don’t spiral the way I used to and it doesn’t affect me physically anymore, and what more can I ask for? I had no idea how much of my life was controlled by anxiety, and how much of my behavior was either a reaction to the anxiety or a workaround to try to get past anxiety. It’s also nice to not waste time on it anymore, too. (Had I been a medieval king, they would have called me Gregory the Anxious.)
And so, on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. I’ll be back later, of course, as there are a few blog drafts I want to finish and get out of the drafts folder, but I hope you have a day that is as marvelous as you are, Constant Reader, and see you soon!
And another Wednesday Pay the Bills Day has dawned anew. It rained over night, and I suspect we’re going to be getting a lot more rain over the next few days; the weather forecast certainly believes it to be so. I do love rain, and outside of the constant fear of flooding out the car, I don’t even mind driving in it. There’s something about being warm and cozy and comfortable while everything outside is getting wet that just makes my entire body relax. I remember thinking about this when I was a kid once–I was in the car, we were heading for Alabama from up north, it was raining outside and I had a blanket wrapped around me while I was reading The Mystery of Cobbett’s Island, which opens with Trixie and her Bob-White friends in a station wagon in the rain heading for the ferry to the island. Ever since then, whenever it rains all I want to do is curl up with a book under a blanket. I it rains a lot this weekend, I should get a lot of reading handled.
I was a bit tired and drained when I got home from work last night. I did a load of laundry and hung out with Sparky for most of the evening while I scribbled in my journal while doing 1970’s research on Youtube for my next book. I also worked on the book some last night, and feel a lot better about what I am doing. The Imposter Syndrome has been finally chased away by the need to tell this story and develop these characters, and that’s always a good sign. I also thought about that Sherlock story a lot more, too, and may even start writing it this weekend, one never knows. I also figured out how to solve the problem of another short story that’s been bedeviling me for over ten years, and I want to include it in my collection. I still haven’t made a to-do list, so I seem to be floundering around looking for something to do every day but can’t remember what I need to do, and that’s always a problem. I also need to make sure I update the bills list before Monday, too–but that will have to wait until I pay the bills and wait for everything to update. I know Entergy is due today, which absolutely must be paid; the summer is the only time I really don’t care about my carbon footprint.
And football season is drawing closer with every passing day.
Sigh.
Politics and the news continue to be dumpster fires and I really need to avoid social media. I don’t know why I let people infuriate me on social media, but I do, and it’s dumb. What do I care about a total stranger’s beliefs and values? Sure, I hate racism and the phobias and misogyny and fascism as much as any sentient human being, but you’re never going to change someone’s mind on social media when most people are there to provoke anger and arguments and I keep falling for the bait. Social media hasn’t been fun in nearly a decade, and it continues to get worse with every passing day; but we’ve all become addicted to it and I need to step away from it. Publishing and publishers have been insisting for quite some time that we authors need to be there and build a following and so forth to market our books and sell copies, but is that really effective? I think maybe the next time I have a book coming out, I may invest in some ads on social media and see if that makes the needle move at all…it may also bring trolls and assholes in its wake, as well.
And I checked the weather and we are not only in a heat advisory but also rain through next week with thunderstorms every day through the weekend. Woo-hoo! Definitely a good stay inside and read forecast. I really need to get going on my reading…but it’s hard to read when you’re writing something new, at least for me, at least now. I don’t know if I stopped reading when I was writing before, but I don’t think that is the case. I think my abilities to do everything that I was able to do before has slowed down and I don’t have the brain function anymore to juggle many different projects the way that I used to, and it’s also nice to finally be in a place where I can primarily focus my brainpower entirely on the writing without it being diluted by other responsibilities. I like that idea an awful lot, quite frankly.
And on that note I am going to get cleaned up and head into the spice mines. I may be back later as there are some drafts I need to finish–they’re building up again, and I don’t like that one bit–but you never know. But have a lovely middle of the week, Constant Reader, and I always do appreciate it when you check in on me, so thank you again.
It’s Sunday morning, I overslept, Sparky is chasing a bottle cap and I’ve been watching kitten videos since I got up while slurping down my morning coffee. Kitten videos really do have a lovely effect on the soul, don’t they? I would definitely foster kittens if we had more room in the house. Humans really are not good enough for our pets and don’t deserve them (I woke up this morning with Sparky cuddled up with me on my pillow). I will never understand people who give their pets up or just abandon them to fend for themselves.
Then again, I’ve never really understood how people could abuse or kill or give up their children, either. I thank God every day for my parents, you know? I really hit the lottery with mine, despite their conservative values and beliefs because they were terrific parents in almost every metric that is measurable. I ended up taking yesterday off. We were in a heat advisory for the day, so I didn’t want to go out in the misery and I did manage to get some things done before Paul got up, and my favorite thing to do is just hang out with him in the living room watching television, which is what we did. We finished Outer Rang1e and began watching Evil, which becomes really interesting once it revs up and gets going (I particularly enjoyed the ‘ghost hunter’ episode). I also finished off one journal and began another, and most of what I scribbled in there was work on the new book–which I must absolutely 100% work on today before I go make groceries. My plan for today is to do some work in the kitchen, do some writing and then head out to the store. I don’t need much, actually, which is great for my budget, but it’s all stuff that is entirely necessary and needed. (Sparky needs treats!) It felt good not to do much of anything other than journaling yesterday. I made Swedish meatballs for dinner, and that was probably the best batch of them I’ve ever made (and sadly, will never be able to make them the same way as I do it from memory and so it’s always different every time). I’m having fun cooking again, and I’m looking forward to trying to make some new stuff and teaching myself more recipes and so forth.
I’ve also got some scanning to get done today. I also managed to get down some boxes from on top of the cabinets and got rid of two of them. I have more books to donate next weekend to the library sale (need to fill the box up first), more paper to throw away, and now I can start on the other side of the kitchen cabinets. Once the tops of the cabinets are cleared, I can start taking things down from the attic and getting rid of/going through those boxes. I’d like to be able to move all my own books up there and get them out of the way–which would open up an entire bookcase, which would help the books stacked on the floor situation, which would be super nice. I am determined to end this year completely decluttered and a former packrat. Stranger things have happened, after all.
I’m going to try to avoid the news and social media today. All it does is enrage me, and I can’t afford to waste that much energy on things I cannot control. My identity as a gay male pretty much decides my politics for me, and for the record, I am far more socialist in my beliefs and values than we are even remotely close to as a country, but I am also pragmatic, and my own brush with the world of politics back in the aughts only served to reaffirm that stance. I don’t think it speaks well of the wealthiest country in the history of the planet that we do not care about the most vulnerable citizens and don’t care if children go to bed hungry. I’ve never understood the vicious, selfish mentality of punishing children for the sins of their parents, and poverty isn’t a crime in this country yet; neither is mental illness. We should as a society be far more concerned with helping the less fortunate…but then we’d be a Christian nation, and despite all claims to the contrary we are most definitely not a Christian country–because the best measure of a truly Christian nation is how we take care of the poor and the sick and we definitely fall down in that respect…but ironically the Nat C’s are, as always, only interested in symbols and ideas, rather than actually living a Christ-like life. I don’t know how anyone can read the New Testament and come away from it not caring about the sick and the poor. It’s pretty clear.
But then, the Nat C’s aren’t big on reading comprehension.
Glancing at my Substack, I see yesterday’s post there (“Tell Me Why,” an entry I posted yesterday about art v the artist) apparently cost me a subscriber. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. This is one of the reasons I never wanted to do a newsletter in the first place; having people unsubscribe made me self-conscious about what I say in one if I can see those numbers either going up or down, and obsess about them. I don’t want to censor myself. I’ve censored myself for so long…but seriously, if you don’t support my values and my beliefs, or understand how my sexuality colors those, why are you even here? Not everyone agrees with me, not every queer agrees with me, and certainly not every white cisgender gay man does, either (Log Cabin Republicans do exist, after all). There certainly are plenty of gay men who are transphobic or racist or misogynist (or any combination of the three), which I don’t understand and will never understand how the cognitive dissonance doesn’t drive them mad, but here we are.
And I am done censoring myself to coddle the feelings of people who think I’m a disgusting pervert pedophile? They can fuck right off. They don’t care about my feelings, why should I give any of my time, brain space, or energy worrying about theirs?
And on that defiant note, I am heading into the spice mines. Have a terrific Sunday, Constant Reader, and remember–under Project 2025 everything will be closed and nothing will go on other than spending time with loved ones, most likely at church (but hey, doesn’t the preacher work on the Lord’s Day? Maybe he shouldn’t get paid…) on Sundays, and no more NFL. What a glorious future.
NOT.
I’m not really sure about this pose, to be honest. It just looks weird and not sexy at all. Not sure what they were going for here, frankly.
Really enjoyed this show’s second season, and not sure if there’s a need for a third, even though a lot was left up the air and it was never fully explained other than “time is a river.” Okay then, but it did feel rather satisfying when it ended. ↩︎
Well, we made it to Wednesday, didn’t we? This is my first full week of work in over three weeks, thanks to holidays and a canceled trip, and I am rather surprised at how well I am doing. Monday was a drag, but yesterday? I was wide awake and energized when I left the house yesterday morning, and listened to Berlin’s Pleasure Victim–which is still a bop, forty years (!) later–and got to work early. I also got to leave early, which was delightful, despite the remnants of Beryl dumping rain on us off and on all day.
The concept of the art vs the artist has reared its ugly head again this past week or so, and yeah, I don’t have any answers to this question. I’m not particularly vested in this most recent pair of artists being exposed as bad people outside of their craft; I don’t have a dog in either fight. I have enjoyed one’s work in the past, and admired their craft, but…but the other I’ve never read. It’s easy for me to say the credible accusations are enough for me and to never read them again, but it’s not painful. I think the message from all of this is to be very careful who you make into a hero? I myself have been disappointed by celebrities and authors who’ve turned out to be terrible people in the real world; but actors aren’t their roles and authors aren’t their books, either. Performances and writing are necessarily of the person, of course, but…just because you love a character doesn’t mean the creator or the actor is a good person; the character is. Someone I’ve been reading for years and was probably my biggest favorite writer of my life has been disappointing on social media lately, and yes, I’ve allowed my politics and values to impact how I feel about him as both a person and as a writer…and if I cut other people off for being TERFs or homophobes, it’s hypocrisy to not cut off someone I admire for the same things. It helped me clear out some room in my bookshelves, and relieved me of the need to catch up on his work, which I was years behind on anyway, and you know what? I’m not sad about it, either. The books I loved I still love, I just don’t need to spend any more of my money buying new ones. Does it make me sad? It’s more disappointing than sad. They don’t care if I don’t buy another one of their books; one amongst millions is beneath even being noticed. But I blocked them on social media, which I didn’t have on my 2024 bingo card (didn’t have the media trying to pick the Democratic presidential candidate this late in the game either–and I will never forgive legacy media for this 2016-like “but her emails” reaction to ONE bad debate after three years of extraordinary leadership, either. I also didn’t have “legacy media not learning anything after 2016 and 2020” on my bingo card, either. I will not watch anyone ever again on television who are doing Project 2025’s dirty work for them (bye bye Rachel, we had a very good long run) and I will certainly never subscribe to or click on a link from a newspaper whose editorial board has gone all-in on Fascism under the arrogant guise of “we know better than Democratic voters who turned out for President Biden and have never once questioned his ability to do the job so best do what WE say”….um, excuse me? Who fucking died and made the opinions of arrogant political writers and pundits who think they know better than the voters? I trust the people around the President to help him run the country the right way, as opposed to the other candidate’s people; we’ve already seen the grifters and criminals he’ll surround himself with so they can loot the country. He doesn’t even have to be impaired for this to happen.
I certainly never thought I’d see the day when a third of the country and the media would be all-in on Fascism. Do the people at CNN, MSNBC, and the New York Times actually think they’d survive a Fascist government in this country? Or are they prepping for their collaborationism by collaborating now, so they can say see, we helped your rise to power?
And that cadaver James Carville, who’s been out of touch for at least twenty years, needs to crawl back into his coffin. Don’t forget what he married; the fact that he could happily marry a reich-winger, and stay married to her after 2016, tells me all I need to know about how craven and shallow his beliefs and values are.
God, the world has changed so much since I was a kid, hasn’t it? And I cannot say for certain it’s for the better in many instances. I do think trying to end bigotry of all kinds is an improvement, for sure, and while schools aren’t 100% safe for queer kids today, at least they may not feel as isolated as they did when I was a kid–even if they live in a red state.
Even in trying to look back to the world as it was in 1994 for my WIP shows such incredible changes in the country and the world in that thirty years (half my life at this point) that it almost seems like a different world, like that Earth was in a parallel dimension. But that’s the thing about the past–it was a different time and things that are problematic now were just normal and every-day things back then. And let’s not forget it wasn’t that long ago that marriages between tweens was an acceptable practice–and still is in some parts of the country.
Some deep thoughts on this damp Wednesday morning. We’re going to continue having thunderstorms on and off through the weekend–the tail end of Beryl moving through–which is fine with me; as long as I don’t caught in a flash flood or something. We were in a heat advisory all day yesterday, and then a flash flood warning from about seven p.m. on. Just another typical summer in New Orleans. We got caught up on House of the Dragon last night, and watched two more episodes of Outer Range, which is very bizarre but really interesting. It’s reminiscent of shows like Lost or Fringe, where there’s some kind of strangeness going on that no one is really sure what it is; it’s fascinating but I have literally no idea what is going on in the show. But it’s very well done, the acting is terrific, and visually it’s very stunning to watch. We’ll probably finish it this week and then will have to find something else.
And on that note, I am going to head into the spice mines. Have a lovely Wednesday, and I’ll probably be back later.
Sexy pro wrestler Finn Balor is a favorite of mine for obvious reasons–and he’s a great wrestler, too.
Queer and Loathing in America 