Break It To Me Gently

It’s cold this morning in the Lost Apartment, and I didn’t want to get out of bed. The new meds are marvelous for sleeping–I can’t remember the last time I went to bed and was so damned comfortable and relaxed that it was a real struggle to force myself up out of the depths of Morpheus and into the world of the living again. I only have to go into the office twice this week–tomorrow I have PT first, which means waking up even earlier–but there’s another three-day weekend on the horizon and I really like the idea of all the rest and relaxation I’ll be able to get this weekend.

I did manage to get the apartment back into some semblance of order yesterday, with Sparky being absolutely zero help in that regard. He’s a bit rambunctious, to say the least, and still has that Big Kitten Energy thing going for him. The neighbors dropped off some toys for him for Christmas, and these were the first toys he’s actually shown any interest in for longer than a few moments. We watched some more War of the Worlds last night, which is a really interesting take on the old H. G. Wells novel; I don’t really remember the book anymore, which I read as a teen. I know the 1950’s version of the story was shown to me in elementary school; it terrified me and gave me nightmares for weeks. In retrospect, with all the fuss about education and all the right-wing bullshit attempts to take down and out public education, why the hell were elementary school children shown War of the Worlds in our classroom?

I couldn’t decide what to read next yesterday as I worked on the apartment, so I still haven’t started my next book. I’d intended to just read cozies for the rest of the year, but I am rethinking that, and thinking I need to mix it up more. I have a first novel by a Lafayette writer, who is a Black woman–I know, right? A Louisiana crime novel by a Black woman? I’ve been waiting for this forever–now if only we could find a gay Black crime writer in New Orleans….the book is Glory Be by Danielle Arsenault, and it comes highly recommended…and I’ve not read an “Own Voices” book in a while, which is entirely on me. Outside of James Lee Burke, there aren’t many crime writers who write about Louisiana but not New Orleans, and the book is highly recommended by a couple of friends, so I am really looking forward to breaking into it tonight or this weekend. I do have to run by the post office on my way home, and there are definitely chores that need doing around the house, so I’m pretty sure that’s how my evening will go. I also have PT at seven tomorrow, so I’ll be getting up early, too. Yay.

I’ve also been thinking about goals for the new year, and what I need to do in order to achieve those goals, and come up with a plan. I’m trying to remember what my favorite reads and watches of the year were–I did read a lot, somehow–and think about a writting schedule for the year. I’d like to do another Scotty book this year, a short story collection, and maybe something with those damned novellas-in-progress that I never seem to be able to finish. I definitely want to be better organized in the new year, and hopefully getting into that position before the new year rolls around, too. Maybe I can get all these “drafts” finished and posted at some point as well; wouldn’t that be nice?

And on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. Not a great Wednesday blog–I’ve really not been doing a great job with these entries, lately, have I? Ah, well, maybe tomorrow’s will be better. Have a great day, Constant Reader, and will check in with you again later.

Oil of Angels

Here we are on a lovely Thursday morning. I managed to survive a full week in the office for the first time in three weeks (I won’t be going in on next Wednesday, either, as I have doctors’ appointments all day that day, so yet another non-full week for me, oy). I wasn’t very tired yesterday; no more than just the normal wearing down of a work week. I had slept really well Tuesday night so I wasn’t very tired yesterday, and I was also trying to get some odds and ends finished. It’s very strange where I am right now; I have some commitments but not many; and I finally seem to have the email situation almost completely under control at long last. I do sometimes find myself at loose ends on occasion; no emails to answer, nothing urgent that needs to be done, finished or worked on. It kind of feels weird, but it’s also nice in some ways. Maybe that’s why I am sleeping better? Because I’ve managed to get the stress under control somehow?

Who knows?

Paul worked late the last two nights–he’s writing a grant for the National Endowment for the Arts, so glamorous–so I was kind of at loose ends. Last night I had a ZOOM thing at six; and I was already a little worn down from the day at the office (mostly from getting up at six, really). I was falling asleep in my chair by nine, so I went to bed; I tried reading a short story by H. G. Wells in that My Favorites in Suspense Hitchcock book, but I couldn’t get focused. But I also realized something when I got home from work yesterday: I am sort of caught up on everything? Oh, sure, I still have two novels in various stages of production–waiting for the edits on one while page proofing the other–but I am actually kind of caught up right now. I had no emails to answer in my inbox. The proofing is going decently, and isn’t due to be turned in for another couple of weeks, at any rate, so I am actually ahead on that one. For the first time in years, I had absolutely nothing to do and no excuses or justifications necessary to go sit in my chair and cuddle with the cat and just empty my brain and do nothing. I cannot remember the last time this has happened; it’s been at least since 2019, I think. It’s an odd feeling, but also one I could get sort of used to, if I let myself.

Someone told me yesterday–during the ZOOM call–that I’m a workaholic, which kind of took me aback. (Kind of like being called prolific used to always make do a double take and say, what?) But as I sat there in my easy chair rewatching the LSU College World Series final game at last (GEAUX TIGERS! I also realized I never really posted about that world series and how fun it was to watch–the final game was pretty fun to watch; must have been amazing to watch as it happened), I started thinking about that some more and instead of the usual kneejerk no, I’m actually really lazy defensive reaction I always have (because, believe it or not, I really AM lazy) when someone says something like that to me, I decided to think about it and she wasn’t entirely wrong. I do have a full time job in an office. I do write full time. I edit part time. This is the first year since maybe 2009 where I am not doing any kind of official volunteer service in what little time I have left after everything else, and it’s kind of nice. It’s nice to have free time I don’t have to feel guilty about, where I don’t have to say to myself “no one else has to justify taking the weekend off from everything” when they are too tired to work on the weekends. I think she was probably right: I am a workaholic.

Oh, this is just a respite and things will start cranking up a bit again, I am well aware of that, but I want to enjoy this brief time of leisurely page proofing while I wait for my other edits with no sword of Damocles hanging over my head. I’m probably going to start writing something else relatively soon, maybe next week or the week after, depending on when the edits arrive. I want to finish strong first drafts for Muscles and Chlorine by September, when I am going to spend the rest of the year working on the requested follow up book to this other one I’m currently proofing. I also have to come up with a plot for that book, so there’s so mental gymnastics ahead of me, so letting my brain have a bit of a rest will be helpful as my batteries need to thoroughly recharge; I’ve run them down dramatically over the last few years. Mom’s decline and final illness, the pandemic, being EVP of MWA, trying to continue to write books and stories–and that’s not even taking into consideration the national political shit show this country has been for years now–it’s a wonder I managed to survive the last few years, you know? Let alone continued to write and be productive while doing my day job well, managing the household–the chores were definitely allowed to slide for a very long time, I’m afraid–no wonder I was exhausted and tired and drained all the time. No wonder writing my stories and books felt like misery and like I was doing it on autopilot.

And I need to take better care of myself, period.

Today is also the launch day (in Australia) for This Fresh Hell, edited by Katya de Becerra and Narrelle M. Harris; it features my story “Solace in a Dying Hour,” which is one that I am rather proud of, to be quite frankly. (While I was trying to read that H. G. Wells story–“The Inexperienced Ghost” was its title–it occurred to me that I am much prouder of my short stories than I am of my books, which is a weird thing I am going to have to unpack at some point) I’ll do another entry about the story, of course; maybe that will be the time and place for me to work through my weird neuroses about short stories and my writing.

Or I could see a therapist again. Which is probably the best thing, really.

And on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. Y’all have a great Thursday, okay?