Miss Me Blind

The last Friday of 2017. I am working a very abbreviated day at the office today; and have a three day weekend. I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning–nothing new there this week; I’ve felt that way every morning this week–and am really looking forward to being a lazy slug and staying in bed as long as I can the next three days. Huzzah for being a lazy slug! I am also starting to come out of this whatever it was that I had; its lovely to feel this close to normal–I was beginning to forget what close to normal felt like, to be honest.

I finished reading The Creation of Anne Boleyn by Susan Bordo last night, and I have to say, it was refreshing to read something about Anne Boleyn that tried to take a look at her in an objective way; who she was has been so defined over the years by so much misogynistic garbage, as well as the highly biased accounts of two men who hated her–the Spanish ambassador, Chapuys, and the Venetian ambassador–that it was lovely to read  a book about her that tried to take a look at who the real Anne was, and debunk the myths that have, over the years, come to be taken as facts.

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The sixteenth century is one of my favorite periods of history, and always has been, as far back as I can remember; the Tudors in England and the Valois in France; the unification of the Hapsburg empire; the rise of Spain as a nation and its own colonial empire and systematic looting of the Americas; the corruption of the papacy and the Reformation; the Renaissance; and the rise of England as a world power. The sixteenth century is also remarkable in that it is the first century of European history where women rose to prominent positions of power, more so than any other: the list of powerful, influential women ranges everywhere from intellectual influences (Marguerite de Navarre) to regnant queens (Mary I and Elizabeth I in England, and even the unfortunate Lady Jane Grey; Mary Queen of Scots; Jeanne d’Albret, Isabella of Castile) to powers behind the throne (Diane de Poitiers, Catherine de Medici) to regents (Margaret of Austria, Maria of Hungary, Marie de Guise), among many other women who influenced the course of history. I’ve always wanted to do a Barbara Tuchman style study of the century and its powerful women, called The Monstrous Regiment of Women. 

The century was also terribly unique in that precedents were set by things that had never happened before: England executed three of her queens, and another in Mary Queen of Scots; France saw a non-royal crowned queen in Catherine de Medici; and of course, there were the marital shenanigans of Henry VIII. And while I am fascinated by many  of the century’s women and their place on the stage of history, perhaps the most fascinating, for me at least, has always been Anne Boleyn.

I’ve never understood the bad rap that Anne Boleyn has gotten over the years from historians; the very first biography of a Tudor woman that I read, Mary M. Luke’s Catherine the Queen, was obviously very anti-Anne Boleyn; she has been painted with the brush of misogyny throughout history as everything from the husband-stealing vixen to the great whore; and yet, the answer has to be more complex than that. Anne Boleyn was responsible for England’s break from the Catholic Church, and while her predecessor Catherine of Aragon is often depicted as the long-suffering victim, there was also no question, in any histories of the period or biographies, that Catherine of Aragon was, the entire period of her marriage to Henry VIII and after being discarded, very much a Spanish agent working against England’s interests in favor of those of her family; the ruling house of Spain. Her goal was to eventually see her daughter, Mary I, sit on the English throne and marry her cousin Charles, thus bringing England into the Imperial fold. She violently resisted any other possible marriage for her daughter; and it cannot be questioned that making England a basic vassal state of the Hapsburgs was hardly in England’s best interests going forward (as was seen when Mary did eventually become queen and married Charles’ son, Philip). Catherine, no matter how romantically people want to view her as the wronged wife and victim, allowed her own pride, and her own ambition, to cause England to be separated from the Catholic Church despite her own seeming piety; for her, her own pride was more important than the souls of the English people. So even the stories of her deep religious faith as a sign of her great character really don’t hold water. And at any time, she could have relieved, not only her own suffering, but that of the daughter she loved so much. I’ve always found these depictions of Catherine of Aragon to be more emotional rather than logical.

No matter what, Anne Boleyn inspired great passion in both her adherents and her enemies. After her death Henry VIII destroyed all of her papers, so very few letters of hers exist and so there are no primary sources of information on her that aren’t tainted by the opinions of the person writing; the Spanish ambassador, so clearly an agent of Queen Catherine, can hardly be trusted to be unbiased. Likewise, the Venetian ambassador was no fan of Anne Boleyn. Yet I’ve never seen any letters from the French ambassador; or from the Scottish ambassador, or any that might actually have been anti-Spanish. All that exists is basically propaganda. And there are few women in history who’ve been more slandered than Anne Boleyn; and not only was she slandered for being the mother of the English Reformation, she was slandered for not being a typical woman of the time. She was intelligent, she was educated, and she wasn’t afraid to speak her mind during a time when women were primarily expected to be quiet and listen to the men.

It was not, of course, uncommon for women who didn’t fit the desired societal mold of their time to be trashed and slandered; it still happens today. Another woman of the century whom I find fascinating–Catherine de Medici–also has had a horrible reputation throughout the years…Jean Plaidy’s trilogy of historical novels about her bears some of the names she was called for titles: The Italian Woman, Queen Jezebel, Madame Serpent. Elizabeth I was also slandered; one can only imagine how the historical views of her would be different had the Spanish/Catholic view of her prevailed.

I am really piquing my own interest in this project again here.

Anyway, The Creation of Anne Boleyn is a fascinating read, and one that Tudorphiles definitely should look into. I highly recommend it.

Love Somebody

I didn’t want to get out of bed this morning again. It was just so warm and comfortable in the bed, so cold and unwelcoming outside of it. But a few nights of good sleep and I am on the road to recovery–barring a relapse, which at this point would be so cruel to have happen I can’t even contemplate it. My mind is actually clear-ish today and not foggy, which is also a really good sign. This means I might actually be able to start getting caught up, and start getting my shit together sooner rather than later.

I don’t even know what to think about this development. I’ve been so sick for so long I can’t remember what it feels like to not be sick and have energy and a clear mind.

Hallelujah.

Tomorrow I do have to get up earlier than I usually do; it’s my usual half-day Friday which means getting to the office earlier. But I am going to stop at the grocery on the way home, make another grocery run on Saturday, and pretty much have no plans to leave the house other than lunch at Commander’s on Sunday and possibly going to see I, Tonya on Sunday evening. Monday will be a lovely day off of staying home and watching football games and resting and reading and relaxing, and then Tuesday I can hit the ground running and really start busting through everything that needs to get done. I’m kind of excited; the problem with being sick and low-energy for so long is that it also leads to depression and unhappiness, and the last thing I need to do right now is get sucked down into a quagmire of misery and depression about my writing career; those dark demons in the corners of my mind are always there and ready to come rushing out at the drop of a hat.

I started ripping the WIP to pieces again yesterday; I have decided that it needs to really be overhauled and rewritten; I was never truly satisfied with it in the first place, to be honest, and some more time away from it has also convinced me that, well, while the book has the potential to be something fantastic, it’s really not there yet. So, while I get some other things I am working in tied up in bows and finished, I am going to start dissecting and rewriting; there’s a whole other subplot that needs to be added to the story, and there needs to be a lot more development of my incredibly passive hero; and the stakes need to be raised higher. And I need to get this done, because I need to get to work on the next WIP to try  to get an agent with, if this one  isn’t going to do the trick. I’ve been messing around with this one now for almost three years, off and on, and this is going to be the last try with it.

I’ve also started restructuring the Scotty book. Oy. Have I ever been off my game this past year!

And on that note, it’s back to the spice mines.

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State of Shock

Good morning, Constant Reader, and everyone who only occasionally stops by, should you happen to stop by this chilly late December morning. It’s very gray outside, and the Lost Apartment is cold, and I have a slight sinus headache, but nothing I can power my way through. I still am not feeling at 100% yet, but am getting there; maybe by this weekend? One can hope.

I feel slightly cotton-headed this morning, and am trying to decide what to read next. I’m definitely doing a month or two of short story reading for the first two months of the new year, which I am kind of excited about. Yesterday I was tired all day, and never made my to-do list; I’ll have to get that done today. Today is also payday, so I’ll have to pay the bills today as well. I didn’t really want to get out of bed this morning, honestly; the bed was warm and comfortable and it was cold in the apartment–and I would gladly go back to bed if i could. Heavy sigh.

I know I have some short stories to work on, and I need to do some other things as well. I hate this cotton-headed feeling! It makes it really hard to focus. One short story, which is do this weekend, is almost finished; it only needs two quick tweaks and another read-through before I turn it in; the other story isn’t necessarily a big priority; I just wanted to get it done and out of the way months before it is actually due because I don’t want to have to want until the last minute to work on it and have to rush, if that makes sense. It sort of does, doesn’t it? (See what I mean about cotton-headed?)

It’s always something, isn’t it?

I am still enjoying Joan Didion’s Miami, and think I’m going to read, for fiction, Lisa Unger’s The Red Hunter next. I always enjoy Lisa’s work, and while I am still carefully doling it out so I won’t run out of Unger books to read, I think it’s safe to go ahead and read another one. I also suppose I should do a year recap here, as well as a goals-setting entry for 2018. Sigh.

Okay, back to the spice mines.

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Legs

Post-Christmas, and it’s gray outside. I have to work today; it’s a late night so I don’t have to go in until later. It’s gray and chilly outside, and the Lost Apartment is a disaster area. I don’t feel quite so ill today; in fact, I feel better today than I have in over a week. Dare I hope that whatever it is I was contaminated with is finally over? I think so. I am not coughing, I don’t feel feverish, and I don’t feel dizzy nor weak; how lovely to get over my illness in time to go back to work! I do have a three day weekend upcoming, but we are having lunch at Commander’s on New Year’s Eve, seeing I Tonya that evening, and of course, the LSU bowl game is that Monday. And the next weekend is Comic-Con, at which I will be exceptionally busy. Heavy heaving sigh.

I also now have to figure out what I need to get done. I’ve been in the fog of illness for so long I don’t remember what’s due and to who anymore.

I slept most of yesterday. I woke up early, put the turkey in the slow cooker, tried to do the dishes and some straightening up, and then Paul and I binge-watched The Night Manager, which was remarkably good. I kept dozing off during it, though, missing almost all of episode 3,  as well as significant chunks of 2 and 4, but I did see all of 5 and 6. I’d never really seen Tom Hiddleston in anything before–not counting Thor–and I see why he is such a big deal. Handsome and talented and extremely charismatic, and those eyes! We then watched an old BBC miniseries with Daniel Craig, Archangel, and I also slept through most of it. Then I went to bed and slept like a stone. I think the sleep was a desperately needed part of the healing process, to be honest; the illness kicked off with an inability to sleep for three consecutive nights, which continued through the illness. So, finally being able to sleep well, and get some rest, was something I greatly appreciated and clearly needed. My mind does seem clear this morning, even if the disaster area that is the apartment is defeating to look at. But I must persist, because cleaning the apartment is long overdue, and it’s tragic how quickly it can get out of control.

I am delving more deeply into Joan Didion’s Miami every night before I go to sleep, and the book is simply fantastic. I’m amazed at how she wrote; the way she effortlessly creates a mood with her word choices, which are clever and insightful and spare at the same time. I’ve also decided to make the month of January “Short Story Month” again, perhaps extending it into February as well, since I have so many marvelous anthologies and single-author collections to choose from. And really, how difficult is it to read a short story every day? Not very.

And so, on that note, it is back to the spice mines with me.

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Almost Paradise

Christmas. I am still not 100%, but so far this is the best i’ve felt on waking in a while. The temptation is to, of course, overdo it some today, but I also don’t know what my energy levels are like; are they still depleted as they have been, making even the simplest of tasks exhausting? I was so drained all day yesterday that I couldn’t focus enough to even read, let alone do anything involving heavy lifting. The apartment is a disaster area, ready for a FEMA inspection. I’ve fallen so far behind on everything that I despair that I will ever be able to get caught up. But I know I will; I know I shall have to simply buckle down and focus, and with focus, all things shall come to pass.

I also did fairly well in the Christmas present department this year. Paul got me an incredibly comfortable long-sleeved LSU T-shirt (which I am wearing); a Team Italia soccer shirt; two books–one a memoir by a male ballet dancer and the other a history of the Bolshoi Ballet; tickets with great seats to see the Ballet des Monte Carlo at the Mahalia Jackson Theater in February; and a gorgeous new watch. We had watched the documentary Bolshoi Babylon some months ago, and I had mentioned my fascination with the ballet and thinking it would be a great setting for a noir novel–and that I would love to go see the ballet sometime. Being Paul, he remembered. This is why I am so shitty at gift-giving, to be honest; I am so self-absorbed so much of the time that I don’t notice things other people say that could be used as hints for gifts.

I have to say, the ballet noir is sounding better and better all the time.

Okay, I am starting to feel hollow-headed, so I am going to go lie down for a little while.

Merry Christmas, Constant Reader!

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Infatuation

I don’t remember ever being sick for Christmas before, but it must have happened, right? I mean, it’s hard to believe I’ve made it fifty-six years without ever being sick at this time of year. I am hoping if I spend the day today–and possibly tomorrow–resting and drinking lots of fluids and not exerting myself in any way–that I’ll be well and ready to hit the ground running on Tuesday when I have to return to work. Yay. Not really how I wanted to spend four days off, but the best laid plans and all of that nonsense.

At least, so far today the biggest thing is a complete lack of energy. I get tired very quickly; just clearing out the dishwasher and putting the clean dishes away made me so exhausted i had to sit down for a minute. But at least today I’m not praying for death as a merciful release, so that’s something.

I was so tired yesterday that I kept dozing off while trying to read! At one point I started reading and woke up two hours later, with the book still open in my hands. I started watching a documentary on Dunkirk, and woke up an hour later with the credits running. When Paul got home we finished watching the documentary series about the Papal history, and with Paul periodically talking to me, I managed to stay awake, but when the show ended I went to bed and slept through the night. This morning, I’m not praying for death and I’m not feverish, but my throat still hurts, my chest hurts when I cough, and there’s the no energy thing.

The smart thing here to do is not try to overdo anything, right? So I think I’m going to go sit in the easy chair, try to read, and then maybe do some of the dishes at some point. The Saints are also playing today, so there’s that.

I just hate wasting time, although I suppose it’s not really a waste if you’re trying to get over an illness? But you know what I mean. I have so much to do. Then again, being overwhelmed with an insane amount of work to do always seems to make me be more productive.

Heavy heaving sigh.

Anyway, merry Christmas Eve!

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Love is a Battlefield

Yesterday I made an attempt to run errands; but after I went to the bank I felt dizzy and nauseous, so skipped the grocery store and came home. I spent the rest of the day alternating between fevers and normal, and so on, so I simply parked myself in my easy chair with a book, a blanket, and a cat. I finished reading Joan Didion’s A Book of Common Prayer, which was extraordinary, and started another that I’m not too wild about. I also started watching a documentary of the history of the Papacy on Prime, which conveniently now has an app for AppleTV. I shall continue to try to read the book I’m not wild about, but it may not survive the fifty-page rule. Harsh, I know, but I have a lot of books to read.

I am hoping that I am in the last stage of this illness; I am still coughing so hard that my lungs and diaphragm hurt, and right now my eyes are kind of warm, but I think I am going to be able to hang with a quick (ha!) trip to get groceries and then spending the rest of the day curled up underneath a blanket with a book. My kitchen of course is a disaster area, but I feel confident that I’ll be able to get it cleaned up today as well. This is a big transition from yesterday, I might add, when I felt like a limp dishrag for most of the day.

Hope springs eternal.

In other exciting news, I’ll be signing and speaking on two panels at Comic Con in New Orleans in two weeks. Huzzah! Of course, this appearance is contingent on my living that long; which is a moment by moment thing. I am feeling odd again right now; not sure what that’s about, or even how to describe it, but I guess the easiest way to sum it up in one word is fuzzy; like I am out of my body and observing but not participating. It’s unnerving, and it definitely needs to stop.

All right, I think I might need to lie down again. Heavy sigh.

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Islands in the Stream

I am officially on Christmas vacation! It’s only four and a half days, but I will take it, thank you very much. I am still not at 100%, but today is much better than the nadir of Wednesday, and even yesterday. My throat is raw and my chest still hurts from coughing so hard, but I am down to DayQuil, cough drops, and the occasional tablespoon of honey. I had planned originally to get a lot done today; and I still might try. I am a bit foggy right now, but then I’ve only been up for about an hour thus far. I think the worst part of this illness has been the utter exhaustion. Yesterday was the worst on the score; I was so tired everything ached.

And to add insult to injury, I’ve gained two pounds this week. Where is the justice in THAT?

I’ll tell you where: nowhere.

I am over halfway through with Joan Didion’s A Book of Common Prayer, and it is really quite marvelous. I tend to shy away from literary fiction, as a general rule, but this is not only gorgeously written but it’s telling an interesting story as well. That’s my primary complaint with literary fiction; if the story isn’t interesting the writing has to be beautiful, and so often it isn’t. I’ve never really understood the cults of writers like William Styron, Philip Roth, Jonathan Franzen; I’ve read their books and not been overly impressed with them. (Although they all have their moments.) But I generally simply say “I guess I’m just not smart enough to understand or appreciate their brilliance” and end the conversation there. I guess I’m just not a fan of the “plight of the straight white male” school of literature.

All right, I’m feeling a wave of illness coming on, so I am going to retire my easy chair with the book.

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I Want a New Drug

I despise nothing more than being ill.

Today is the best I’ve felt since Saturday, but i am so tired. Just exhausted. I actually got up this morning, came downstairs and sat in my easy chair–and fell asleep again. I also have that weird medicine-y hollowish head feeling, and I’ve been coughing so hard my throat and lungs actually hurt. I’ve also been unable to focus; which completely sucks. This is all sinus-related, as we’ve been having damp, cooler humid weather, complicated by also having a cold. Right now I trying to drink down a cup of coffee, but it’s making me sweat….and it’s the first and only cup I’ve had this morning. I’m also very dehydrated. This is my last day of work this week, and I’m hoping that tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling normal and healthy again.

One can dream. I have a four day weekend and I don’t have to be back at the office until three on Tuesday; so I really have four and a half days off. Being sick, of course, means that the house is a total disaster area. I need to get some cough drops and Kleenex before I go to work today, but I feel singularly unmotivated. I still feel, not sick so much as funky and tired. I hope this is just my body shaking itself off and healing itself, but one can never be sure. I hate this; I have far too much to do to continue being sick.

I started reading Joan Didion’s A Book of Common Prayer last night–got maybe a page or two into it before falling asleep–and was again struck by her extraordinary skill.

And on that note, I think I’m going to try getting some of this mess cleaned up before I go into the office.

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Sad Songs (Say So Much)

I don’t feel very Christmassy this year, but nor do I fall into the bah humbug category of Christmas. It’s interesting that when it comes to this particular holiday, it seems as though reactions are predicated on diametric polar opposites; you either love it or hate it. I fall into neither category; it’s just another day. I like the idea behind Christmas; reflecting on peace on earth and goodwill toward my fellow man, and so on. Those are lovely sentiments, but aren’t they things we should think about and focus on the entire year, rather than the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Maybe I am a humbug, I don’t know. It doesn’t help that I am ill.

My diaphragm is sore and I have a slight sinus headache and I feel like I have to cough all the time. I’m not feverish, and it’s more of a meh feeling than anything else. It’s the tickle in the back of my throat that’s especially making me nuts. And the soreness of my throat and the diaphragm, and the medicine-head feeling from the DayQuil. Paul seems to be doing better; it looked like he was at death’s door a couple of days ago, but he seems to be slowly coming out of it. I am hoping I’ll be over it by Friday, which starts my four-day weekend. I’m sure, though, once I get showered and cleaned up, stop at CVS for some cough drops etc, I’ll feel much better. At least I certainly hope so. I have a busy day at the office, and then of course tonight is the office Christmas party.

And at least I’m not congested. If I were, I’d have to kill myself.

I’ve started and given up on several young adult novels over the past few days as well–including some that were critically acclaimed and award winners. None of them passed the fifty page rule, and they all went into the donation pile. While it felt good to get the TBR pile down a bit, I was enormously disappointed; but A. S. King’s Reality Boy was so good it was bound to make anything I read after look not as good. And getting the TBR pile down is always a good thing, don’t you think? One would hope, at any rate.

I’ve become obsessed with Joan Didion, and I think my next read will be her A Book of Common Prayer. It’s kind of astonishing to me that I’ve never read anything she’s written (Miami is my current non-fiction read; I love the way she writes. I’m also thinking, re: a conversation I had with my friend Susan, about writing a memoir in the form of personal essays. This of course is the ultimate in hubris; why do I feel my observations and my experiences are so amazing that they need to be shared? But…it’s been an interesting life, and even if it doesn’t get published, it will help me personally to write such a thing. I actually started the other day because I don’t have enough else to do, right?).

And on that note, I’m going to straighten up this mess in the kitchen and get ready for work.

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