Work at home Friday! I have a doctor’s appointment later on today, and I may run some errands after that, but for the most part I am going to be here at home, hunkering down and doing my data entry and my quality assurance; tedious chores, to be sure–but much more bearable when done in the comfort of my own home wearing my sweats and Sparky sleeping on the desk between the keyboard and the computer. I also have chores to do when I need a break from the computer. It’s going to be easier from now on to stay away from social media, because it is definitely not good for my mental health. I have to stop wishing bad things on bad people, for one–the fact they flourish, to me, shows there is no God (which is easy to believe once you pay attention to the so-called “godly” here on this plane)–their soulless emptiness should be enough punishment for me.
Besides, I’m not the one who worships a jealous, vindictive God of wrath and punishment.
I guess my posts since I got home from Kentucky have upset some people–who saw themselves in them, and now I’m supposed to absolve them and relieve their guilty consciences. That isn’t going to happen. I’m tired of ignoring your thoughtless cruelty, and I’m not going to be the bigger person and let you off the hook so you can feel better about yourself. Everyone loves to talk the talk, and “oh Greg we love you you’re so smart and funny and kind and a joy to be around” and pat themselves on their backs about what good people they are, so inclusive! We’re not like those horrible people! But when that so-called friend basically called me a pedophile and a groomer (not me specifically; just all queer people shouldn’t be allowed around children) exactly two people on Twitter defended me. Two. Two people called her out and basically had to lead her by the hand to see what a fucking bitch she was being to me. She even reached out to mutual friends to make sure I didn’t hate her. She was very sorry, you see. She would have never said such things “if (she’d) only known.” Well, when a gay man angrily tweets that he’s very tired of such horrific lies, why the fuck would you reply agreeing with the lies? Oh, honey. Would you forgive someone who called you a horrible mother and unsafe around children? IN PUBLIC, for everyone to see?
It’s very nice to no longer give two shits about coddling fragile straight people and their privilege. I’ve not even come remotely close to talking about how abusive you people can be without a care or a thought in the world (because queers don’t have feelings and aren’t really people, and I should just be grateful people talk to me in the first place and have deigned to tolerate me within their midst). Sorry, I’m not going to pat your pointy little heads and reassure you that you’re not one of the bad people. That’s not my job in life, and I am fucking exhausted centering your massive egos and your thin skins so you can just keep sailing through life with your casual, thoughtless cruelty and your absolute lack of concern for anyone outside of your own demographic group. If you want to make us feel welcomed, maybe stop making gay jokes and accusing everyone you don’t like of being gay? I guess y’all aren’t creative enough–despite being writers–to come up with something else?
So, your careless cruelty is also lazy.
How does it feel to be criticized honestly and not let off the hook for your actions rather than the phony collegial courtesy you offer to me? How will I ever feel safe around people capable of such dishonesty? How will I ever know for sure you don’t laugh at me when I walk away? How can I trust straight people ever again? How would you feel if you found out what people really think about people like you by reading it in a public forum? Well, I know now what side you were on in the 80s and 90s, don’t I?
I guess I should be grateful you weren’t afraid breathing the same air as a gay man would give you HIV, right?
Another reason I need to get off social media entirely is I’m so tired of people exposing themselves in this crime “community” I was so pathetically desperate to be a part of. One of my mantras since I first started trying to fit in has always been “don’t keep score.” Yesterday I was on one of the social media sites where people are doing “starter packs”–people to follow for the new users. I saw one by someone I know yesterday and clicked on it, the way I always do to look for friends to follow, and it struck me as I scrolled through the list I’ve never been on one of these and as I continued to scroll through Mr. Straight Man’s list and noticed that they were only two queers out of about forty writers on the list and they were both women. Straight men, you see, will never recommend a gay male author to anyone lest someone think maybe he’s gay curious and so the queer women are always safe to mention to get their inclusive points and show everyone how “woke” they are. The person, whom I first heard of when one of the truly horrible straight women community-adjacent pulled a racism on him out of nowhere (she basically called him, and all racialized people, illiterate. Horrified by this, I immediately ordered his books and started following him on social media. I saw him in person at the next Bouchercon, and was going to walk up to him and introduce myself to him in the bar. All I was able to get out was “Hi, I’m–” with my hand stuck out when he gave me a very cold, dismissive look–his face curled in revulsion, and turned his back to me. It didn’t register to me as anything other than odd–stupid me forgot that when people don’t know who I am, all they see is disgusting faggot get away from me. It wasn’t the first or last time something like that has happened–and then later when someone introduces us they’re cordial but distant. It didn’t occur to me until yesterday as I read his “oh so woke” starter pack that yes, indeed, he could tell I was gay and was revolted that I would try to introduce myself to him–probably was worried I was going to hit on him (seriously, straight guys. Do you honestly think a gay man wants to fuck someone who doesn’t understand anal hygiene? Sorry, not into having shit on my dick, thanks). But when one of our mutual acquaintances did introduce us–and he knew then who I was, he at least pretended to be glad to meet me. I’ve actually had straight men I’ve introduced myself to (who got away as quickly as they could) apologize later and said “I didn’t realize who you were.”
Because that makes your initial behavior acceptable? You only treat gay men nicely when they’re somebody you think matters1?
Just goes to show, minority male writers are just as homophobic as white ones, if not more so. So much for intersectionality.
And there was that book everyone told me I should read by an up-and-coming writer who used homophobic slurs on page one. Yes, guys, I really love paying for a book and seeing the word faggot used derisively on page one. The irony that the book was one of the initial titles in a press’ new “diversity line”? Showed me that that publishing house was okay with homophobic language, and that diversity commitment was very insincere. I’d actually thought about pitching them! So, I guess I should be grateful my straight friends told me to read a homophobic book, so I didn’t waste my time pitching to a homophobe.
Grim thoughts on a grim Friday morning as the country teeters on the edge of the abyss.
I guess some straight white people finally learned how it feels to be hated by the majority of the country.
And I am heading into the spice mines. Have a great Friday, queer people. Straight people are on their own.
- Joke’s on you, dude–you were nice to someone who is reminded on the daily by my “colleagues” that I am anything other than a non-entity second or third class human. ↩︎
Queer and Loathing in America 