Tuesday! Tuesday! We survived Monday and lived to tell another day!
You know, I’ll take accomplishment wherever I can find it these days.
Yesterday was a better day; I think making it into the office and spending the day doing my duties around the office helped banish things to the background rather than keeping them there in the front of my mind. I ran some errands when I left the office–mail, pick up a prescription–and then came home to have a nice quiet evening at home, alone. The festivals are next weekend, so hopefully at some point I’ll have my husband back. If I could only get him to work the same schedule as me…but that will never happen. I can’t say that I blame him, either; if it were up to me this getting up at six thing would long be in my rearview mirror. Adjustments. Life is all about the adjustments.
I was very tired when I got home last night, though, and didn’t get much of anything done as a result. I feel better this morning–not that I couldn’t have slept another few hours, of course, and it’s chilly this morning in the Lost Apartment; ah, it’s a frigid 47 degrees outside, that could explain the chill I am feeling this morning. I’m glad I slept well, though; it’s such a struggle when I didn’t. I feel rested this morning–we’ll see how long that lasts, won’t we?–and my coffee tastes good this morning and I think it’s going to be a good day. Of course, there are all kinds of variables that are out of my control–will there be horrible and inconsiderate drivers encountered on the way to the office (of course there will)? They are also working on repairing and repaving Elysian Fields by the office as well; this made leaving an issue yesterday and could make it even more of one tonight when I get off work. I ran errands on the way home last night, and I don’t think I really need to do anything after work other than come straight home tonight, which is lovely. Tomorrow is Pay-the-Bills Day (always a joy), and I am looking forward to doing some writing tonight as well as diving into my next book, which is probably going to be Bobby Mathews’ Living the Gimmick. I might need to switch things up with my reading once I finish Bobby’s book; and read something completely different from everything I’ve been reading lately. I’ve gotten some good books lately–The Velvet Rage, Wined and Died in New Orleans, Scorched Grace–which all look interesting, but maybe I should mix it up by reading horror or science fiction or something completely outside what I usually write and read.
I actually feel good this morning–I know I’ve already said it, but it’s true–and some of it is mental; I think today is going to be one of the good days; I don’t feel like there’s some kind of darkness in the back of my head, weighing me down the way it felt yesterday. I’m not sure if I’m making sense or not in trying to get what this feels like across to you, but I do feel this morning like I might be coming out of the numbness and the grief–or at least getting a day’s respite from it. It’s very strange. I don’t know if there’s a methodology for this or not–everyone grieves differently–but it becomes so incredibly tiresome not having any kind of instruction manual or rules for anything. I suppose I could read Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking, but I’m a little Didion-ed out, to be honest. Brilliant wordsmith, of course, but I don’t know that I could handle her memoir of grief.
I also wonder if you are weary of hearing about this, and perhaps I should start keeping it all to myself and not oversharing in my usual oblivious manner? (My complete obliviousness is a character trait I’ve only recently–since the pandemic–become aware of, and explains a lot about my personal history; ironically, I made that very obliviousness a central part of my character Valerie in A Streetcar Named Murder, and people loved her; go figure, right? I guess it’s endearing? In fiction, at any rate.)
God, how I wish I could get back under my blankets in my warm bed. Cold mornings are so uninspiring, really; especially when you have a warm bed with a purring kitty and a mountain of blankets where you can stay comfortable and warm. That’s the best feeling, really; maybe it will be cold Saturday morning when I can stay in bed later. One can dream, at any rate, can’t one?
And on that dull note, I think I am going to go ahead and get ready to spend the day in the spice mines. Have a lovely Tuesday, Constant Reader, and I will be back tomorrow.
One thought on “Russian Roulette”
Don’t feel you have to put on a brave face. Let us hold you in your grief and help you on the journey. 47 degrees sounds lovely. It’s been snowing for nearly two days here; about 3 feet so far, and still coming down. It might take me a few days to dig out my car! I hope you have a terrific day.