Up Against It

Here we are, Wednesday again, and no three day weekend to look forward to this week. Heavy heaving sigh. I have to say, though, it has occurred to me that my reduction in caffeine intake–a result of the dehydration sickness combined with the sleep problems–may have a lot to do with my recent lethargy. On the days when I come into the office I have maybe two cups of coffee max in the morning, and none after I leave the house. I have more on the days when I work at home and on the weekends, but not as much as I used to–and my Coca-Cola habit has also decreased; some days I don’t even have one (I do like carbonated drinks, though, so on those days I either have a bottle of Pellegrino or a Sunkist orange soda). I also am wondering if that caffeine deficiency could be connected to my not writing as much.

Because it can’t be laziness. Nope, uh uh, couldn’t possibly be that.

Or could it be? Hmmm.

We finished watching The Club last night. Interesting finale–twenty-five episodes, which is long even by old television network standards–and I really don’t see how they can do a second season. It was great fun, though, and of course, the lead actor is fucking gorgeous–all of the men are pretty attractive, really, and yes I am that shallow, thank you for asking–and it was highly entertaining.

Yesterday was a better day than Monday; I’m really not sure why, but I was in a much better mood all day than I was on Monday–and I don’t think the fact that it was a Monday was the reason why I was in a bad mood, quite frankly. It’s very strange. I’ve had good days and bad days for most of my life, with no real explanation most of the time. Perhaps it’s a chemical thing; I believe bipolarity runs in the family–whether it’s genetic, or simply being raised around that kind of toxicity ingrains the behavior into your psyche. Anyway, when I am having one of those days–I refer to them as “spirals”–it’s best that I don’t talk to anyone or answer emails or engage on social media because it won’t end well.

And I am so grateful that I finally reached a level of self-awareness and perhaps, I don’t know, maybe maturity, to recognize it’s a spiral day and disengage as quickly as I can. The spirals are the worst days, really, and the strange thing is how normal and well-adjusted I feel the days after; level-headed, calm, and stable, completely unafraid to confront a problem because I know how, and feel confident in my ability to, handle said problem and get shit done. I feel that “world-conqueror” feeling this morning, as I did yesterday morning, despite it being Pay-the-Bills day and seeing the concurrent depletion of the balance in my checking account. Usually, that creates a funk, as I stare at the new balance glumly and wonder how I am going to buy groceries, etc.; but this morning I am choosing to look at it as a challenge. That works sometimes; but it would also be absolutely lovely for once to not have that fear and despair on pay day, you know?

One can but dream, of course.

I should use the despair of pay day to motivate myself to write more. It’s the only way I can generate extra income; but I am not sorry that I wound up not having a 2020 novel release, frankly. I am, however, getting very quickly to the point that if I don’t get off my ass, I also won’t have a 2021 novel release date, either. I don’t think I’ve ever gone two years without a novel coming out; maybe I have, in the mid-teens, but it doesn’t sound right. I also have no idea when the majority of my books over the last ten years were released, actually; I should probably make a list of that so I have a better idea. But time, of course, is always the issue.

And on that note, I am heading into the spice mines. Have a lovely day, Constant Reader.

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