Brandy

April is the cruelest month.

I started feeling off, if you will recall, during Saints & Sinners. I couldn’t shake the fatigue, but I also didn’t handle it properly, since I apparently never learn anything. I had a big physical crash and have been sick now for several weeks. Woozy, foggy-brained, dizzy, nauseous…I’ve been able to work remotely so the financial hardship has just been all the testing and Lyfts (can’t drive). and IV’s and whatever. It’s bad, of course, but I’m not going to be stressed about any of that, because it won’t do any good. I’ve slept a lot (one of the new medications for this caused drowsiness, which also made dizzy, and I fell a few times. My mind has been foggy off and on, too. But I did write a lot of essays and short stories in my head (only one of which I remember, of course), and this hard reset has also given me a chance to reevaluate, reexamine, and rethink a lot of things. I need to make some life changes, and stop just passively pass through life the way I’ve been doing. I also thought a lot about the past and my writing, and knowing I’ve been feeling defeated with my career for a while now. Don’t get me wrong; I’m doing fine…but I want to do better.

Someone also died recently, and it kind of shook me to the core. I’m not ready to talk about it yet (then why did you bring it up?) because I want their family and friends to grieve in peace without being bothered with my narcissistic writings. It did make me realize how horribly selfishly I’ve always remembered and discussed the event that brought us together, which was another slap in the self-awareness face, and it also made me think about finally writing about it, because it’s always about me, isn’t it?

I owe emails. I owe articles. Hopefully now I can start getting all that together.