AH, the surgery is this morning. I won’t finish this before I head out to the hospital and I doubt very seriously that I’ll be able to finish this after I get home today–whenever that may be. So it’s kind of a pre-surgery time capsule here.
I was extremely anxious yesterday–all weekend, really–but of course last night it just kept getting worse and worse. I knew it was anxiety, I knew it was adrenaline from the anxiety, and I wasn’t certain I’d be able to sleep. Sleep wasn’t a problem, after all; somehow I managed to fall into a deep sleep and woke up right before the alarm went off at five. Tug was his usual loving and purring self, rubbing all over me once the alarm did go off–because he’s Pavlov’s cat and associates the sound of the alarm now with getting fed. I am also really hungry, but can’t eat until after the surgery, of course. Last night was a total, absolute perfect storm of anxiety–but I staved off the panic attack and brain spiral so it wasn’t that bad. We finished the first series of Happy Valley and started the second; it really is quite good and the actress in the lead (Sarah Lancashire? Susan Lancashire?) is phenomenal; all the acting is terrific, frankly, and the writing is exceptional. It’s also very weird knowing that when I am back in the apartment I am going to be in a weird loop of pain and recovery and pain meds and anesthetic hangover, probably heading directly to my easy chair and getting under a blanket and dozing in and out of sleep all day. It’s going to be weird to be out of the office for three weeks–this is the longest period of time I’ve been out of the office since I started working. I don’t think I’ve ever taken three weeks off from work–other than times between jobs, of course–my entire life? It’s going to be weird. I just hope my brain won’t be too fuzzy to read or follow along with a movie or television show. I think I’ll be fine–the painkillers won’t make me fuzzy if I am in pain, after all; they’ll just take the pain away–and that’s actually kind of a tip-off; if the painkiller makes me loopy, then I probably don’t need them anymore.
I’m allowed to drink black coffee this morning and yikes–how dreadful. They told me I could have two cups, maximum, but I have to say, I don’t even think I am going to finish this first cup.
I am going to be starving when we get home because I am starving right now, to be honest. I just hope I’ll be able to eat when it’s all over. This is my first time ever having surgery since my tonsils were out as a child–I’ve had some in and out procedures, like wisdom teeth and a lesion removal–but not surgery that requires recovery time and physical therapy, which is also kind of terrifying, to be completely honest. I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess. My post-operation appointment is a week from tomorrow, so that’s when we find out when I start PT and when and how often and all of that kind of stuff. The day job is being very accommodating, which is nice (I still need to get that damned form filled out and turned in; taking it with today). I am curious as to whether or not I’ll be able to test people once the three weeks is up, but I think I will be able to–I only use my left hand to hold theirs when I am sticking their finger, so I will have to figure out how to do that once I am back in the office. Driving one-handed is also going to be an issue when it comes to parallel parking–thank God I have a car with power steering now; I’d never be able to drive that old Buick one-handed.
Well, what do you know? There’s enough here to make a post, so I guess I am just going to go ahead and finish this and post it as a kind of fare-thee-well until I am able to post again. Have a great Tuesday, Constant Reader, and I’ll check back in with you again later at some point. Try to do without me as necessary, dearest reader.
Queer and Loathing in America 